It has been instilled in me from a young age that my actions are my own. Do not place blame on others. To this day, people are constantly telling you not to worry about the actions of others and just worry about yourself. Do not let others’ actions influence you. This is a hefty weight to bear. Of course other people’s actions affect us. It’s ridiculous to think they don’t. There are varying degrees of these effects based on where you are in your life and who the people are. The closer to you the people are, or should be, the harder it is to just shake it off. I have come a long, long way on my journey to who I am. People’s actions/words have definitely played a role. Yes, my response to them is completely my own. When you throw some good old fashioned anxiety in there, things...shift. Without putting the blame on others, it is definitely how others have responded and life situations that have shaped my anxiety into what it currently is.
To add to that, I was also raised to believe you help family- family comes first. I can’t tell you the number of times I heard, and saw demonstrated, you always do your best to help out family. I was taught that if you can’t depend on family, who can you depend on? I learned the answer to that early on. Me. I depend on myself because family helping family is a pretty little lie.
I have written before about how I am fiercely independent. The funny thing is, most people I know with anxiety are. With my weird love for psychology, I may need to delve further into that, but one story at a time. When I ask for help, I actually need it. I don’t ask for help lightly. Even the simplest of things, like getting my car picked up from an oil change, I try to figure out how I can do it on my own without having to rely on anyone else. The thing is, 15 years ago, this was not the case. Fifteen years ago, I would have had no problem calling my parents or my friends, for a ride across town to get my car. Today, I check out the weather and think maybe I could just walk the 3.5 miles there. I mean, it’s really not that far. Logically, I know people wouldn’t mind giving me a ride at all, but I mind having to inconvenience anyone for me. I start typing texts to ask someone for a ride and then delete it. I check the weather again. I think about my list of things I need to get done. I realize I definitely need a ride. I start texting again. Delete, again. Check the weather, because it may have changed in those 10 seconds. Then I wait. I think, “I will text them when I know for sure I definitely need a ride”, even though I already know for sure. I continue to check the weather every 15-20 minutes. I anxiously wait for my phone to ring, telling me the car is done. Hours pass. My weather app tells me it’s going to rain any moment. I start to text. Delete again. Maybe I should start walking now and hope that when I get there it will be done. Rain. I call to find out when my car will be done. I mean, maybe I can walk in between the bouts of rain. Car hasn’t even been started, but should be done right at the time I’m supposed to pick up kids from school. I have to do it now. I text my friend. Here’s the kicker, the day before, I actually asked her if she’d be around to give me a ride if I needed it, so I knew she’d be able to do it. Of course, she said she’d happily give me a ride after we both get both sets of our kids home. I breathe. Then, I overthink. OK, so how can I make this easier for her? It's raining, but I could walk up to her house so she doesn’t have to come pick me up (she lives 8 houses away). I’ll make sure I hurry so she is sure to get back in time to get her other kids from the other school. If we're running late at pick up, maybe I’ll just have her take me after she picks up her other kids. But maybe that’s more inconvenient. All of this just to come home from picking the kids up to find Husband at home. I then have relief and guilt, at the same time, that I bothered her and now that I don’t need her to take me. For the majority of people in this world, they would have just asked someone for a ride and that would have been it. For me, it was an all day trial. And this was just a little thing.
What on Earth has made me like this? Like I said, 15 years ago, I wouldn’t have had a problem asking for a ride. Slowly, though, there was a shift. I always had Husband to fall back on, like this last time. That all changed when he started traveling for work. I remember the first time that this particular situation became an issue. I called up my parents and asked them if, the next day, they’d be able to give me a ride to my car, since Husband was out of town. I got the response, “We can, but can’t you find someone else? Why can’t you ask [C]?” That was my first slap in the face with my needs inconveniencing people. I then asked [C], who I shouldn’t have to bother because family helps family and you shouldn’t have to rely on others, but she wasn’t going to be around. Cue panic. Back then, I didn’t have a group of friends who could help me. I called my parents back and begged them for help. They grudgingly came. Since that time, there has been only once that I ever asked them to help me get my car, and that was a dire emergency and they were the last resort. Since then, I have learned two lessons: 1. I need back up plans for my back up plans, and 2. Don’t rely on others. These lessons did not come from this one experience. These lessons came from years of having no one to turn to.
Sickness is a trigger for my anxiety, but not like people think. This one little tidbit of information was extremely hard to admit to Husband. The reason sickness is a trigger sounds horrible and selfish. I have worked extremely hard to get past it and work around it, but it still lingers. When my kids actually get sick, I deal with it quite well. It’s the possibility of sickness that actually triggers me. When people around my kids are sick, there’s a chance they will get sick. Hello, anxiety. My kid has a scratchy throat. Anxiety pokes its head out. With the development of Sunshine getting migraines, the slightest headache she has puts me in a tailspin. Why? Why if I’m not worried about the actual sickness does this have such an impact on me? Because I’m the one left dealing with it. I am the one who has to figure out how to care for a sick kid and a well kid on my own. I’m the one who has to change plans. I’m the one who has to try to get people to the doctor. I’m the one cleaning up puke. I’m the one trying to figure out missed school. It is literally all on me. Or, at least it was. For the past 4 years, Husband hasn’t travelled for work, but he still gets up before the crack of dawn is normally out the door before 6am. He has work flexibility in his work schedule, but I still feel like I shouldn’t bother him (that’s society for making stay at home moms feel like they shouldn’t “bother” their hard working husband with trivial things like the kids). Shouldn’t this be where family comes to help? I know better, so I don’t even bother. I wrote before about how when Sunshine broke her arm, I called my person. I didn’t even bother trying to call family because I knew there would be excuses on why they couldn’t help. A broken arm is one thing, but an actual sick kid is different. I refuse to let my friends help me out because of the risk of getting their kids sick. When I was little, I had chicken pox. My mom needed help watching me since she worked. My grandma, who was always there to help, hadn’t had chicken pox, so she was unable to watch me. My aunt came. She spent days with me while my mom worked. Family helps family. If one of my kids got chicken pox, I wouldn’t even need that kind of help. I would need someone to drive the other kid places. I would be nervous about having friends do it because I wouldn’t want to risk their kids getting chicken pox (because you can carry it and spread it for 21 days prior to actually showing signs). It would be left to me having to leave my sick kid alone. Yes, I’ve left a puking kid home alone because I needed to get the other one somewhere, because I’m all I have. Let me be clear, Husband is now around, so he can definitely help out, but he still has to work, and, even after four years, I’m still not used to him being around and being able to count on him.
Imagine the mental toll it takes on a person when everything falls on them. Imagine the toll it takes on a person when they have had it ingrained in them that family helps family, yet family is who they can rely on the least. Imagine the toll it takes on someone to constantly try to tell themselves that it’s OK because they are responsible for their own choices, and to just be happy with having to do everything alone. Imagine the toll it takes on a person to have it instilled in them not to be a burden on others, so never feeling like they can ask for help. I know people, without anxiety, who feel like this and you can see the stress it is putting on them. I see how they are at their breaking point.
My anxiety has gotten bad because I am it. I am all I have. This hurts Husband the most. It’s not his fault. He had/has a job to do and can’t be babysitting his unstable wife. I definitely have people I can count on, but I will do everything in my power not to burden them if I don’t have to, and that includes Husband. I know that some people will feel hurt by this post. If you are, maybe ask yourself why. I’m too tired to pretend anymore. I’m trying to reign my anxiety in, and that takes a lot out of me. I’m not putting the blame on anyone, though it may feel to some like I am. My brain is just wired a little differently. Because of that, people’s actions have definitely played a role, but there is no blame. It’s hard for people to see that their actions have caused someone to hurt. That’s life though. At some point, everyone hurts someone else, whether it’s on purpose or not. I guess that’s why I try so hard to live a life where I help when I can and I try to be kind. Just because you can’t see what someone is dealing with doesn’t mean they aren’t struggling. Just because someone seems to have it all together and under control doesn’t mean they aren’t hanging on by a thread.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month. There are so many pushes to “break the stigma”. Hate and unwillingness to accept others’ differences is way too strong in this country to ever break the stigma. It’s not just this country, it’s across the globe. Yet, the US has one of the worst mental health programs and one of the most difficult to access. At the same time, this country (I can’t speak for the rest of the world on this one since on this particular statement I don’t have research outside of the US) loves labels. Do you worry sometimes? Oh, you have anxiety. Here’s some medication. Sad? You must have depression. Here’s your medication. Sad and happy? Oh, that means you have bipolar disorder. Take these pills. How are we to ever break the stigma when we throw labels and pills at people without getting to the root of the problem? Then there are the people who self-diagnose and they contribute to the problem. I can’t do this because I have anxiety. People with anxiety will never, ever use it as an excuse to not do anything. My anxiety is not why I’m scared of heights. I’m scared of heights because I’m scared of heights. Not everything you worry about is anxiety. Just like when you feel sad doesn’t mean you have depression. You can be depressed without having depression. You can do things a certain way and it’s not OCD. People need to stop using these words like they’re a bad thing or a “cool” thing. These things just add to the stigma. I don’t have the answers, but what we’re doing right now isn’t helping. I think it’s great that celebrities are coming out and discussing their mental health issues, but, at the same time, how they have gotten help isn’t realistic for most people. Most people can’t take time off of work to get back on track or have a break. Most people can’t get counseling because insurance either doesn’t cover it or the co-pays are too high to be able to go as often as needed, AND they can’t get time off of work to go. Did you know that for a lot of kids, they get pulled out of school to go to counseling? As a parent of a child with signs of anxiety, this would be the worst thing for her because one of her triggers is missing school. Yet, this is the system we have in place. Nothing will get better without complete reform, but people are too stuck in their ways for reform. So the cycle perpetuates.
In a world where you can be anything, be kind. Be the change you wish to see.