I have been fairly good about being who I am, flaws and all. Still, there are many things no one sees. To the outside world, I'm an organized, motivated individual who normally has her shit together. In my head, I'm far from that. I'm a frantic mess, no matter how calm I appear. I am strong and independent. So much so that people forget there are times I can break. It was a hard week. I've had more hard weeks than easy weeks during the past year, but this past one was of the top three hardest. There's not any reason in particular. It was everything and nothing.
Monday, I cried. What people don't know is that I cry all the time, not crazy crying, but small bouts of tears. I seem like nothing bothers me, but everything actually bothers me. I take on the weight of the world. Monday was different Monday was breakdown sobbing all day long. I came home from taking the kids to school and I sat in my hallway in tears for a good 20 minutes. I've always been big on giving yourself time to feel what you're feeling. I have been holding it in for so long, I felt maybe I just needed that release. After 20 minutes, I picked myself and got on with my day. Except I didn't. I took laundry downstairs and burst in tears. I washed dishes sobbing. I sat in my car picking kids up from school and cried before they got in. I sat in the karate parking lot waiting for the boy, almost hysterical. It was literally all day and I couldn't stop it. I'd be fine for bit of time and then, out of the blue, a wreck. My family had no idea what to do for me.
The thing about only allowing people to see what you want them to see is that when they see you fall apart, they have no idea what to do. They tiptoe around you. There are a lot of pitiful, "Are you OK?" or "Tell me what's wrong." Sometimes, yes, I need comfort, but I don't want to be treated like I'm a sad little puppy. In the days leading up to my crappy week, I was having an anxiety moment. My friend happened to text me at just the wrong time - or rather wrong time for her, right time for me. I just laid it all out. This is what she said, "What I'm hearing you say is......Is that correct?" Then she didn't tell me I was stupid or make me feel pitiful, instead she said, "Let me see what I can find out about that." It was direct and to the point and exactly what was needed.
There is huge guilt that comes with anxiety. Guilt from so many different areas, but one place the guilt comes from is letting people see the vulnerable side of you. It's actually more than guilt. It's shame. Shame for burdening someone else with your problems. Shame for breaking down. Shame for not being able to cope. Most of the time the fear of experiencing that sort of shame and guilt is enough to not let anyone in. It is rare, that I ever let anyone in because of what I feel after. I can't tell you the number of times I've sat in my car trying to decide if I should go see my person so I could get a hug (pre-COVID) and then sucked it up and decided not to. My person would never, ever think any less of me or judge me, it's all about how I feel about myself.
With social media and a pandemic, the shame and guilt of anxiety has been taken up to a whole other level. Had so much fun with friends this weekend! #blessed. Just painted my third room of the house this week. #motivated Just finished my last Beachbody workout #strong People post this crap all day long. They do it to make themselves feel better. They do it because they are hiding. I'm guilty of it, too, so don't think I'm bashing everyone out there. I do think that there is a level of awareness certain people have though. I know that with the good, comes the bad. I try to find beauty in each day, even if it's messy and ugly. There is a reason we are going through it. Without the hard moments, you can't really be grateful. Those hashtags people use are a load of crap the majority of the time. They are used to make you see what they want you to see. For me, if I could have gotten a picture in the moment that my friend said to me, "So what I'm hearing you say..." , it would have been raw and ugly, but there was nothing I was more grateful for in that moment. Those are things no one wants you to see. Those are things no one wants to share on social media. And it's wrong.
We've created a world for our children where all they see is the perfect. Look at my perfect life. We've created a world where we encourage our children to remain hidden from who they truly are. If you don't fit into the perfect little mold that social media is portraying, you are not good enough. I can't tell you the number of conversations we have had with our children regarding this. But we can't just preach, we need to put it into practice as well. That's why my kids do see me breakdown. That's why my kids see me and Husband fight. That's why some of my posts are uncomfortable for people. That's why my pictures aren't always picture perfect. I show the messy, but there is so much more that no one will see. No one. It's what we all do. We need to teach our kids that there is balance. We need to teach them it's OK to hide certain parts, but be true to who they are. Don't listen to what people put out for the world to see because it's only part of the truth. Know your truth and own it, but it's also fine not to show all of you. Just remember to not lose who you are in what you want others to see.