I can no longer focus on the big picture because I can't make it through my day trying to look at all things. My lists took a turn from things I can and can not control, to baby steps on how to control parts of my day. I started my list with "I can not control the spread of COVID. I can do my part and wear a mask and distance." Then I wrote, "I can not control the actions of others. I can control how I respond to them." I looked at these two very big things and was instantly overwhelmed again. So I decided to go smaller. "I can not control my thyroid issue, but I can drink more water." To someone looking in from the outside, those two things may not go to together, but in my mind, they make sense. I continued with little things like this. Then, I just dropped what I can't control. My list has things on it like, "I can remember to take my vitamins", "I can wash towels every Monday", "I can take a few extra moments to walk things upstairs instead of putting them on the steps.". Little tiny changes. Little tiny things I have full control over. Looking over my lists, I now have so many things that I not only can control, but have a plan of how to control them. As I go to throw something on the steps, I stop, and say, "Live with intent. I can take this upstairs." I have been doing this all of two days, so it's going well so far. I think the biggest part is I stop. I breathe. I think.
I still have my daily lists to help keep my on track. Having another list I can go to and look at is more about my mental well-being than washing my kids' clothes or making chicken soup. My lists can go hand in hand. Making chicken soup is good for my soul because it's going to a friend who is taking it to her dying friend (I can not control cancer, but I can make someone feel loved). By my kids' clothes being clean, I have less back up of laundry and less dirty socks laying on my stairs. Even with things shutting down, my life is not moving at a slower pace. In fact, it is moving so much faster because of the added responsibilities I am faced with. We now need to balance WiFi in the house, and let me tell you, every last thing we have seems to be on WiFi, so it's not an easy task. We need to make sure that we do not double book the dojo/dance studio (aka living room) if anyone is quarantined and needs to go virtual (yes, this has happened). There are so many more things to balance out that life was suddenly unbalanced.
I am trying to regain my balance. I am living my life with intent. The thing about intent is that it is different for everyone. What I need is not what my friend needs. It is not what my mother needs. It is not what anyone else in my household needs. And that's OK. I can still do what I need to do for me and be there for them. Baby steps. Stop. Breathe. Start again.