My social anxiety has gotten so much worse this year as well. I mean, we’re not supposed to be social, so it stands to reason that this would get worse since I’m not forced to do it. There is a misconception with social anxiety. People tend to think of it as having trouble being around people. This is only partially true. It is actually so much more complicated than that. People are usually shocked to learn I have social anxiety because I can talk to anyone. The reason I can talk to anyone is because of my anxiety. I get so nervous around people that I just talk. I then spend hours, weeks, months, years, going over what I said and how I shouldn’t have said it or how I should have said something else, but I do talk. Talking face to face with people is the easy part. Phone calls, which were extremely painful before, are nearly impossible now. Even talking to friends on the phone has become extremely difficult. Then we bring in Zoom. There is literally one person I can Zoom with and even then, it’s uncomfortable for me, even though this person and I used to get weekly coffee and talk.
I’m not exaggerating when I say it took me years to build up the courage to take my kids to certain places on my own. The work I put into that one was intense and done very precisely and intentional. I started small and moved up. By the summer of 2019, I was taking my kids to all sorts of new places. This year, I could barely muster up the courage to take my kids berry picking by myself, which is something we’ve done for more years than I can remember. Certain things, such as going canoeing, have made me nervous in the past, but I’ve worked on it and overcome those fears. This year, I couldn’t go out canoeing with my kids. I had full on panic attacks even thinking about it. Husband made me get in the canoe with him and go around the lake to work on it, but even then, I could only go about ¼ of the distance we usually go before I started to hyperventilate. I took my dog for a walk and another dog jumped the fence and came after her. Everyone was fine. The owner came and got the dog. The dog never touched me or my dog. Yet, I had to call my husband when I was only a mile from home to come get us because of a panic attack. Now, I can’t walk my dog alone. I’ve never had a problem walking my dog alone, even when my old dog got attacked on a walk as a puppy. I went to apply for a board position, not even an actual job, and I couldn’t get past my name and address. The worst part is that it was a position I would have been great at and I really wanted.
Things changed from even the beginning of this pandemic to now. At the beginning, the kids, dog and I hiked new parks almost daily. I’m not sure what changed or when, maybe it was the dog jumping the fence, but I started to not take the dog. Then, I started to stick to trails we had already done. Now, we’re back to walking the neighborhood instead of going to parks unless Husband comes with us. If it wasn’t a for a friend of mine and her daughter, there are many things I wouldn’t have done this year. She went berry picking with us. She went hiking new places with us. She took us paddleboarding (strange I could get on a paddleboard, but not in a canoe). She explored new places with us. I’m fairly certain that without her this summer, I would have become a hermit.
I am determined to get back to where I was, but I also know it’s going to be a long, hard journey. I’ve already started taking baby steps. I’ve done so much to overcome so much that I look at how much I have regressed and I wonder what the point of even trying is. Then, I look at my kids. I’ve overcome so much because I want to give them the best lives I can. I will continue to fight through my anxiety because they deserve a mom who won’t give up. A friend of mine told me about a podcast she listens to. She said that it suggested that instead of worrying about trying to get this year back to some sort of status quo or pre-pandemic normal, that we should make 2021 about healing. This year has broken me in ways that I didn't know I could break. I think I'm beyond healing, so, maybe I make 2021 about picking up pieces and creating something new. Something better. Something stronger.