Over the years, I, without thinking about it, have surrounded myself with people with strong faith. Several years back, I even tried to join a sort of bible study for moms...it was more like raising kids with faith group, I had even bought the book and everything. It fell apart before we could have our first discussion. That, I took as a sign. I took it as a sign that I shouldn't look. I took that as a sign that I shouldn't be a hypocrite and try to believe when I haven't for so long. Looking back, that was the wrong sign. But, like I said, I'm no good at reading signs.
Just two days ago, I wrote about a friend and how her faith inspires me. Last week, I reached out to a friend for prayers for something and it led to a discussion with her on how I wish I could have her faith. Then last night, I finally sat down to watch an episode of Chasing Life that I had recorded from two weeks ago. In it, there was a scene where the main character was talking to a rabbi and told him that she went to the chapel, but God wasn't there for her. That's me. That's completely how I feel. I look and can find God in so many things around me, but I feel as though He's not there for me. Then, the rabbi responded with, "Was there anyone there for you?" She replied yes (because in case you don't regularly watch Chasing Life, that's the episode where Leo finds her after she left her hospital room). The rabbi then said, "Did you ever think that's who God sent for you?" And then I got it. I got the signs. Like I said, I need someone to spell it out and this show spelled it out. And yes, I get that watching that show at that particular time was most likely a sign. Each person that I look to with their strong faith are my signs. Every one of them. Looking back, I can see the transition in my life where I went from surrounding myself with people who considered themselves atheists or had very little faith, to people of much faith. I even watched a dear friend of mine go from searching like me, to finding what she was missing.
OK, God, I got the signs....finally after You giving them to me for 5 years. There is some comfort in finally being able to see it, but now, I don't know what to do with it. Another thing the rabbi in the show said was that religion is not a quick fix; it's long term. I'm an instant gratification person, so this faith, religion thing is difficult. But, there's hope. I finally got it. It had to spelled out, but I got it. I guess now it's more waiting and seeing where it takes me.