2017 has been a year of self loathing. I'm not talking about a normal person being upset or annoyed with something about themselves, but more like I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Every day is a struggle just to get out of bed. I'm sick of people saying that if I don't like something about myself, I can change it. I know that, but it also takes money and time, of which I have neither. Husband keeps saying that I need to do more for myself. That would be great if I had anyone to run my kids around, or someone to make meals, or do laundry. By the time Husband gets home, I've already shut down and I don't want to do anything. It's actually more than just not wanting to do anything. That sounds lazy. I'm not lazy. It's more o being so mentally drained and hurt and unsure that the thought of even trying to leave the house after husband gets home stresses me out.
Every last decision I make is one that I question and second guess. It doesn't help that I get strife from my family for the majority of my decisions. My anxiety started to take over toward the beginning of the year and I have just shut down. I am not doing fine and have not been doing fine for a long time.
Why am I bringing this up? I mean, nothing is going to change. No one can help. This is just how it is. I'm bringing it up so that people can better understand why I've pretty much fallen off the face of the Earth this past year. It's not that I don't want to be around. It's not that I don't want to be part of things. It's not that am antisocial (OK, I'm a little antisocial). It's that I'm emotionally drained and I have nothing else to give. No, I'm not burnt out, like my mom keeps saying. In fact, staying busy does more help than harm. It's when I have time that I start to hate myself. When there is down time, I start to question every decision I've ever made (if you have anxiety, you can understand this one). It spirals from there. This is not something one just snaps out of. I work hard at it every day. I will continue to work hard at it. Every day, I will get out of bed and do what needs to be done, but not much more than that. I can't. I just can't.
I'm hoping 2018 will be better. I'm trying to formulate a plan to work through this. January through March, we have more free time on weekends, so maybe I'll be able to figure this out. Maybe I'll be able to get back on track. Maybe not. Either way, I'm not asking for anyone to do anything for me. I'm just asking for grace and understanding.