I look at my kids and wonder how they grew up so fast over the past couple of months. Where was I when that happened? Next month, I have a 5 year old and I'm not sure where my baby girl went. Maybe this is part of my mood, too....realizing that I will soon have no babies left. No, I'm not having baby fever. I have no desire to have more children. I love my kids and I'm content. However, there is part of me that is extremely worried that once Sunshine hits that magic number 5, no one is going to need me anymore. Then what?
Maybe another part is everyone in my life is starting to break off on different paths. We were all on the same road for so long, but now, it's all changing. I'm not good with change. I deal with it and accept it, but it hurts. I think I'm better when change happens suddenly rather than gradually. Right now it's as I'm looking at my friends' maps and I see their exit up ahead, so they keep moving over to get off.
What feels worse is that they have destinations, and I don't. I'm usually OK with that. With they way our life is, things are always in limbo. Husband may be gone, he may be home, he be late, he may be early. That's fine. We don't usually make plans more than 2 weeks in advance because we never know what's going to happen. We've gotten used to not being able to count on others for any sort of help, so we rarely plan things that require any help. This keeps us, well, on the straight away, never able to get off. Don't get me wrong, each day is a new, crazy adventure. We have fun and do so much, but there is never an over all destination in mind. We just say, "let's see where today takes us" (really, we literally say that).
Funny thing about perspective is that it's all in the eye of the beholder. There are people who see what I do every day and see the road we're on and they think it's great that we can just get out and go with no sense of where they day will lead. I look at and see wandering to find something, but not being sure what we're looking for. I love the adventure of my life, yet, sometimes, I really need to see the bigger picture- destination.
I've done this all before. I've watched as everyone I knew and trusted got off the same road I was on. It's never easy. Maybe someday our paths will once again merge, but it's rarely the same. Or maybe it's me. Maybe I'm the one taking the path less traveled. The question that plagues me is, will it make all the difference?