In the weeks leading up to Christmas, we would decorate the house. She used to have these figurines that I loved setting up and creating different Christmas scenes. We would listen to Christmas music and sing around the house. My mom and I would sit in front of the tree and drink tea and talk. That was probably my favorite tradition. Just the two of us sitting by the light of the Christmas tree.
Long after I stopped believing in Santa, she kept the magic alive on Christmas morning. She took a great deal of care in picking out the most perfect stocking stuffers and Christmas gifts. Stockings were always my favorite though. She always seemed to know exactly what I liked and filled my stocking with amazing surprises!
I had always believed I would be the kind of mom who made Christmases magical. This Christmas, I learned that I failed at this. Christmases have always been different for us. We are never home. In the past 16 years, we’ve spent two years at home. The first being Monster’s first Christmas because, as new parents, we were terrified to travel with him! The second being 2020. When my father in law lived in Florida, we would ship gifts down and do a full blown Christmas in Florida. After he moved and we started renting houses, we would do Christmas when we got home. We would ask Santa to drop our gifts at our house in Ohio. This meant that Christmas for us would always be sometime after Christmas when we returned home.
2020 was the first Christmas that Sunshine did not believe in Santa. Since we were home for the first time in her life, we went all out. It was a Christmas like I had when I was a child. Yes, gifts were harder to come by that year with supply shortages, but we managed to get the top things each child wanted. Christmas felt more like Christmas again. It felt like when we’d ship gifts to Florida and the kids would wake up with magic and wonder, rather than us just throwing gifts at the kids when we got home from vacation.
This year, Sunshine commented on how after you stop believing in Santa, Christmas just isn’t magical anymore. This stung more than I ever thought it would. I have failed at Christmas. Society has failed at Christmas. This Christmas, Sunshine sat around, with no gifts, watching everyone do their gift reveals on Snapchat. This person got this super expensive gift. This person got this super expensive gift. Seven people got this particular necklace that I had never even heard of before Christmas day, but you could see the disappointment on her face. There is nothing worse than feeling as though you disappointed your child on Christmas. If I was a better parent, I would have been making Christmas magical like my mom did. But, how can I compete with all of the people opening their expensive gifts and getting everything they want? Maybe if we didn’t come to Florida each year, we could afford to get more gifts and we could open gifts on Christmas day like everyone else. Maybe if I was a better parent, I could figure out how to make Christmas more special with no resources.
Maybe what I lack as a parent I’ll make up for as a grandparent. Maybe I can help my kids make Christmas magical for their kids, even long after they stop believing. I should probably start trying to figure it out now since I’ve failed for the past 16 years. Maybe if I start pinning ideas now, I’ll have it figured out by the time I have grandkids. Or maybe I will just always suck at Christmas.
Or, again, maybe society sucks at Christmas. Maybe everyone else sucks at Christmas with making it about getting their kids every last thing they want, regardless of cost. Maybe social media has failed at Christmas by glorifying stuff rather than love. Maybe Christmas has become more about greed than giving. Maybe we’re all failing our kids and failing at Christmas, regardless of what we do for Christmas because no one remembers what it’s about anymore. Maybe kids get so much throughout the year that Christmas doesn’t mean anything to them and I just put too much pressure on myself because no one else even cares.
Whatever the reason, Christmas has lost its magic. Lost its spirit. This year, the love/hate relationship has definitely tipped over into hate. Maybe I’ll never get the love part of the holiday back, but I still believe in magic. I still believe that maybe, someday, I’ll be good enough to bring my family a truly magical Christmas like my mom gave me year after year.