After months of searching for the right words to describe how I'm feeling, I finally pinpointed how I feel....hopeless. Throughout this pandemic, there have been tiny slivers of hope that I have clung to, only to have them shot down. The Earth started to heal itself, only to take steps backwards in single use plastic due to not being able to take your own bags places, recycling centers being shut down, and people creating more waste being home all the time. People started to help their neighbors and come together to make sure everyone was safe and well, only to be pushed aside and divided by hate, abuse of power, and feelings of entitlement. Worse, still, there is no end in sight.
Here is another disclaimer...if you are thinking right that I am a person "living in fear", you can stop and you obviously have no clue as to how generalized anxiety disorder works. I live in fear all the time. Fear may not be the correct word. Uncertainty may be better. So, if you believe I am a person who is terrified of COVID and that's where my hopelessness is coming from, you can just stop reading this and maybe go educate yourself on how to be a better human being with empathy. I’m done playing the nice game to people who will not try to look at others’ viewpoints.
My father has always been my rock, my hope. He's the one who tells me there is a solution to every problem and we can figure it out. The other day, I spoke with him and he sounded off. Just not himself. He is the person who will never burden me by telling me his problems. He does not believe a parent should burden a child. However, I kept prodding. I kept digging. I knew that something was wrong and I also knew that he needed to get it off his chest. It turns out, he, too, feels hopeless. When he said this, something inside of me sank. I mean if my father felt hopeless, then we are most certainly doomed. Yet, I put on my big girl panties and I patiently listened to him. He is also feeling the weight of the COVID world. He is 87 years old. He knows that if he or my mother gets COVID, they most likely won’t make it. He is basically staring his mortality in the face. He sees others lack of regard for his life. He sees people believing their right to not follow rules is more important than if he dies a painful death. What do you say to that? My dad is a very intelligent man. He understands science. He understands what is happening in the world. He does not live in his own little bubble like so many people are currently doing. He does his best to keep my mom safe. He is the one who goes to the grocery store (which my mother likes to complain about). He is the one going to the bank and post office, because I guess when you hit a certain age, these are big outings. My dad has never been one to sit at home. He’s a go getter, so this is all wearing on him.
When the one you turn to for hope is suddenly as hopeless as you are, it rocks you to the core. I knew I needed to be there for him, to try to give him hope, but I was fresh out. I was able to listen and understand. The thing that is different about all of this is that there is really no end in sight. No one can give us a timeline. No one can tell us if things will ever go back to how they were. No one knows. People are getting angrier and angrier and taking it out on each other. People are becoming more selfish. My dad is still sure that people will start to care for each other again, but I’m not so sure. I think this is just going to drive people further into their own egocentrism.
My dad is not one to wallow. Tomorrow will be better. Tomorrow, he will have a more hopeful outlook. It’s who he is. Today, though, he and I are hopeless together. The world has stopped caring about their fellow humans and are only concerned about themselves. That, sadly, is a pandemic for which there will never be a vaccine.