School is one of my anxiety triggers (I'd like to thank Monster's one first grade teacher for that). The first day is always the hardest day for me. Husband usually takes the day off to keep my mind off of it so that I just make it through. This year, I knew the first day was going to be hard. One starting high school and one starting middle school. I was prepared....sort of. When we were informed the first 4 weeks of school would be online, I was thrilled. I had more time. Then, the first day of in person came. Sunshine started first. It was fine because it was 6th grade and she had friends in almost every class. I could handle that. Two days later, the boy started in person high school. It was fine. It was all fine. I made it through. Then, several weeks later when COVID cases in the schools spiked due to parties, we were back online. That made the fourth first day, with yet another new online format. Two weeks ago, Sunshine went back for yet another first day back to in person. The next day, Monster went back and they were following yet a different school model.. Six first days and 4 new formats for learning. Today marks the 5th new learning model the boy has had this year and his 5th first day, making it out family's 7th first day. The rest of the first days have been tough, but this one may break me.
I have amazing friends who know how hard the first days are for me. Each new first day, I had friends texting me and bringing me coffee to make sure I was doing OK. Today is harder because I have nothing to do. When I say nothing, I mean I have a lot to do, but no one around to keep my mind off of the fact that this is, yet again, something new this year. There is only so much you can do before your mind starts wandering. Are they OK? What are they doing? Do they need help? Do they know what do to do if they do need help?
Today is also hard because of my lack of faith in humanity. I went to a small all girl Catholic high school and came from a tiny Catholic grade school. I'm not exaggerating when I say my schools were small. My entire 8th grade consisted of 14 people. My graduating class in high school was 87 people. What I know about public school high schools comes from movies, television, and books. Hence my fear and lack of faith in humanity. Monster is small for his age. It can't be easy being 5'1" and a freshman boy. Add to that a pandemic that 50% of the population doesn't take seriously and all of the unrest in our country, it puts my anxiety into overdrive. The boy's 4th first day, happened to be Inauguration Day. I'm not going to lie, I was terrified for his safety. Not because of any of our beliefs, but because there is so much anger and hatred in this country right now. Now, with everyone back at school, I feel this even more. I am doing my best to not try to think of Sandy Hook, or Parkland, or Columbine (obviously not thinking of the is working quite well....)
Deep down, I know it will be fine, but I am counting down the minutes until I go pick up the high school kids. I did not ask the boy to text me to let me know how his day was going, even though I really hope he decides to do that on his own. He's got his and I don't need to micromanage. I know that it will get easier, but each first day is a punch to the stomach for my anxiety. We have 16 weeks left of school. I can do this. I can do anything for 16 weeks. Then, I have my babies with me again for a short time until I get to go through the first day all over again. Hopefully, there will only be one first day next year, but I guess that depends on our society. Going to stay positive and think it will only be one first day that I have to suffer through next school year. That give me 6 months to prepare. I better get on that.