When Sunshine was little, all she wanted in life was for people to watch her. One funny story that Husband and I like to tell is how when she was playing t-ball, she would be out in the field and anyone who has ever had kids in t-ball knows absolutely nothing happens in the field in t-ball. She would constantly be looking over at us to see if we were watching. If we weren’t watching, she would yell at us to watch. We’d then yell back that nothing was happening!
Husband and I have always been there, at everything, cheering her on. I am so happy that she has taken for granted that we will always be there, but I’m also sad because there was always something else missing-family. When we would be on a team with friends, or even played against friends, their parents would cheer her on, but it wasn’t the same. When she was 5, she was on the same t-ball team as some friends. She noticed that their Nana came to every game. She asked why no one ever came to watch her. I tried to explain that Mommy and Daddy and Monster were all there for her and that [L] and [B]’s Nana was cheering her on, too. But it wasn’t the same. Of course it wasn’t, and I hated watching her scan the crowd to see huge cheering sections for other people and just her mom and dad for her.
For a few years, Grandpa came to live in Ohio for the summers. He went to every softball game that he could. She was always so happy. “Did Grandpa see me catch the ball? What did he think?” But, it was hard for him to get to the fields because he was in a wheelchair, so he couldn’t always come. She understood that. But he tried to move heaven and earth just so he could see her do what she loved. And she loved that he came to her dance recitals and all the games he could.
Then 2020 happened and no one could go to anything. Then, Grandpa could no longer make trips due to his health. That’s when she started to move away from people watching her do anything. Something happened in that time span where she started to feel like the only reason anyone would come is to see how great she is at anything and she started to fear letting people down. She doesn’t want anyone to see her be anything less than perfect. She hasn’t had a life where people (other than us) just come to cheer her on. My heart broke for that little girl who asked why other people had people watch them and it hurts for the big girl who feels like she needs to be perfect for people to watch her.
I don’t know what else to do for her other than show up. I keep showing, even when she texts me to tell me she’s playing exhibition singles in a varsity match but I don’t have to come. But I also give her her space when she doesn’t want anyone to come to Watch Week. I’m hoping that she’ll get back to that little girl who wants us to “watch me!”.