For the Fourth of July this year, we headed to my mother-in-law's house in Chautauqua.  Normally, Chautauqua is our Labor Day getaway.  We head up and spend time with my mother-in-law.  We fish, site-see, shop, and relax.  That trip is not going to happen this year, thanks to this awesome pandemic.  So, my mother-in-law offered up her house to us this weekend.  Just the 4 of us, well, 5 if you count Girl.  It was definitely different, but much needed time away.  We took all of our food with us so that we didn't have to go to the store.  The only stop we made was our way into town to buy worms.  Let me say, NY is doing t a great job of masks and social distancing, just from that one stop.  After we got there, we didn't leave the property until it was time for us to head home.  

It was a hot, hot weekend.  We spent our time fishing in the cooler morning and evening hours.  We stayed inside playing games and watching TV the rest of the time.  Yes, I said watching TV.  People who know me know we don't watch much TV in this house.  One day, the boy and I spent 6 hours watching the Twilight Saga.  SIX HOURS.  And it was heaven.  My rule was we don't discuss COVID.  We don't discuss the horrible situation that is going to be school this year.  We don't discuss people's lack of belief in science.  We don't discuss how the guy who failed out of science in HS is going around telling people that COVID can be cured with blood thinners.  We don't discuss how it's all a hoax the entire world is in on.  We don't discuss anything other than what we, our little family,  are doing in the moment.  

It was pure bliss.  And then we came home.  

As we pulled in onto the square of our small town, i broke down in tears.  There it all was.  Our new reality.  People with masks, people without.  People listening to science, people saying it's a hoax.  People yelling about their kids must go to school, people pulling their kids out to go online.  People gathering in large groups, people completely isolating.  There has stopped being an in between, so when you're one of the in between people, the amount of anger that is directed at you from both sides is immense and completely overwhelming.  It makes you question your every choice.  

As we drove the short mile home from our town center, I was smacked in the face with the realization that things will never be "normal" again.  There are rifts that are now so deep that they can not be forged.  We are all broken so badly that we can't heel.  Suddenly, caring for each other has become political, and I'm not just talking about masks vs no masks.   I have seen the shift in values for some time.  I've seen how more and more people are out for themselves.  I've seen how more and more people have regressed into the egocentric stage of life.   This pandemic, instead of bringing people together, split them more apart.  You clearly see hard lines, where before, they were fluid.  I do not fit into this new "normal".  My heart is one of giving and helping and it's breaking watching what is happening.  

We are all fighting a losing battle.  Each one of us, no matter what you are fighting for.  Until we can all figure out how to come together, how to compromise, THIS is our new normal.  Let that sink in.    
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My Sweet Baby Angel,

This year has been one crappy year.  Three broken toes, a tooth knocked out, and then, 2020, just in general so far.  Yet, through all of it, your positive light has shone through.  You have been able to find the good through it all.  

I am so proud of the young man you are becoming.  You have such a huge, caring heart.  You are the best big brother a girl could ask for.   You are reliable and responsible.  

I'm so proud of you for trying, and excelling, at new things this year.  You found a love for snowboarding.  You were an office aide.  You were chosen as a student presenter at the Made In Medina County Fair.  You are taking on more responsibility at karate by teaching classes.  You have a live app published in the Google Play store.  These are huge accomplishments.  You do all this while maintaining a 4.3 GPA.  

This year is going to be a year of so many changes.  First, it's a crazy year to begin with.  Who would have thought there would be a global pandemic where you need to finish school online?  In fall, you start high school, but we're still unsure of what that's going to look like.  Whatever it is, we're pretty sure it won't be "normal".  Whatever it is, though, you will be amazing.  You are such a great student who loves to learn.   

I truly wish this summer could be a "normal" summer where we go out and do all of the fun, wonderful things we do.  However, the world has drastically changed in the past 3 months and we're living a new normal.  You will make the best out of this summer because it's who you are.  You will not look at all of the things we can not do, but you will appreciate all of the things we can do.  I love that about you.  

Even though I'm sad at the current state of our world, I'm excited to see what this year has in store for you.  I know that what ever comes your way, you will do great things.  

Don't ever forget who you are and remain true to that. 

I love you forever.

Mommy

Soccer has been a part of life for many, many years.  I played soccer when I was younger.  I loved it.  I was not the best player.  I could hold my own.  I couldn't score a goal for anything, but was a good at defense because I wasn't afraid to get hurt (as the ER in my hometown learned).  The older I got, though, the less confident I got in myself.  The less confident I got, the more I didn't want to put myself out there.  So, soccer became something I played in my backyard.  It got to the point where I wouldn't even play with Husband anymore.  

Then, I had kids.  I live in a big soccer town.  Where I grew up, soccer wasn't popular, so having my kids be able to start soccer so young was crazy to me.  We started Monster in soccer when he was 4.  He liked it.  Thought it was fun enough.  He even went to soccer camp for two years that was run by Otto Orf.  If you ever watched soccer in Cleveland as a kid, you would know going to a camp run by Otto Orf is pretty damn cool.  Since her big brother did it, of course, Sunshine also wanted to play soccer.  Back when she was little, soccer wasn't open to anyone under 3.  We got permission to sign her up at age 2. 

​We only had one season where both kids were in soccer.  Monster decided he didn't like the competitiveness of it, so he was done  Sunshine, well she loved it.  We spent many seasons playing on some awesome teams with some amazing coaches.  All of those coaches kids eventually moved on to travel or club soccer.  We chose to stay with rec soccer since Sunshine is also in dance and softball.  Since so many coaches left our league, a friend of ours decided that he was going to coach.  I told him if he did, I'd assist.  I had sworn, after a horrible season of coaching my darling darling daughter in t-ball, that I would never coach one of her teams again.  Yet, here I was,  years later, coaching soccer.

Never did I imagine how big of a part of my life coaching would become.  When soccer was cancelled this season, not only was I sad for Sunshine, but I was sad for myself.  I love coaching.  Coaching brings me the same joy that teaching did when I first started teaching, back in the day when teachers could actually teach instead of muddle through all the bureaucracy.  Of course I love watching my daughter play.  She's come so far and is fierce on the field, but I also love watching the team play.  I love seeing the girl who was timid and scared of the ball her first few times playing steal and make an amazing pass.  I love watching the girls run plays that we did in practice and work together as a team.  I love watching them grow into amazing players.  I love getting to know the personalities of our girls and pushing them to step outside of their comfort zones because I can see where they will excel, even when they don't yet see it.  It helps that the person I coach with is also great.  We work well as a coaching team.  We balance each other out.  Over the past several seasons, our team has gotten to be extremely tough to beat.   This season, with most of our players coming back to our team, we could have been undefeated.  Being undefeated isn't important, but showing the girls how they work as team is.  Our first season coaching, only two of the girls had ever played together, the other coach's daughter and Sunshine.  It was a little difficult for the two of them to work with their team because they knew they could rely on each other.  We got a lot of kids on our team who were new players.  We didn't win a single game.  Next season, we had returning players, so they knew how to work together a little more.  Each season, we had more and more parents request us coaches.   Fall season, half of our players actually played up a division just to be on our team.  That makes you feel like you're doing something right.  It wouldn't have mattered if our team was undefeated or not.  These girls have finally come to work as a true team and they were robbed of that this season.  

I would love to say that Sunshine and I spent our time off the fields fine tuning her foot skills, but we did not.  Coaching your own kid is hard.   She and I have gotten to the point where we only have one argument during a game per season, but practices are different.  She does not like being told what to do by her mom.  She does not like the critiquing of her skills, even though I'm doing to same thing to each player.  At home, it's impossible to get her to do anything with me.  I don't force it because I don't want her to lose the love of the game.  Instead, I let her get out there and have fun and play with her brother and father and I try to keep my mouth shut.  

I'm crossing my fingers that fall soccer happens.  I can't wait to be with my team again.  I never thought this would become such a big part of my life and I'd miss it so much.

​

This summer was supposed to be filled with more adventure.  More freedom.   Before all this, we even let the kids have a "test run" of what they'd be allowed to do and where they could go.  They rode their bikes to the gas station and bought candy.  The ice cream shop is just across the street from there, and that was another place they'd be allowed to go on their own.  The boy was given permission to go even further and head to the store that's just another mile down the road.  This would be the first summer that Sunshine was allowed to ride to her friends' houses without her big brother following behind and coming to pick to her up.  This was also the summer of getting outside and trying new things.  My shoulder is stronger now, so we were going to go paddle boarding and kayaking.  We discovered we love museums, so this was to be the summer to head down to Columbus and go to new places, like Otherworld.  We were supposed to go to Cedar Point.  At this point, very few of these things look possible. Already, camps have been cancelled and softball is iffy.   It's sad when my kids going into the gas station to buy candy and riding to friends' houses to play are some of the things that may not be possible for the summer.  

We don't know what things are going to look like this summer.  We don't know when or if things will be back to how the where.  We can keep our fingers crossed that summer remains our time.  That summer remains special.   We realize that some of things may not happen, but we are allowed to remain optimistic that they could.  We changed our bucket list to the things we hope we are able to do and seem more realistic in this crazy time.  

So, with that, our annual summer bucket list:​

• Berry picking
• Swim
• Hike
• Play with friends
• Ride bikes
• Get ice cream
• Go to the library
• Relax
• Be Happy

Dear Sunshine,

This is not how I had planned this letter to go.  Never, in a million years, could I have predicted that we'd have to celebrate your birthday during a global pandemic.  Never would I have thought that no one could be here to celebrate.  We knew your birthday was a Thursday, a dance day.  We knew we wouldn't be able to even have a sleepover tomorrow with H because you would have a soccer game Saturday morning.  We were sure, though, that H would come over tomorrow.  We'd go out to dinner.  We'd laugh, eat cake, and have fun.  These were things we thought we knew.  Obviously, the world had other plans.  But, I promise, my Sweet Baby Boo, that we WILL go out to dinner with H.  We will laugh, we will eat cake, and we will have a great time, soon.  I promise those gifts we ordered a month ago will shortly arrive.  You have handled this all better than I have.  You have accepted your birthday is not going to look like we thought it would.  You are disappointed, but have made peace with it, even though I have not.  This was not the tone I had intended for this letter.  I wanted to speak to your about your bravery and your accomplishments, but never did I think I would be discussing how strong you are to understand that life has been flipped upside down and there's no fixing it.

So, I'm going to try to write the note that I wanted to write before.  Before the world stopped moving. 

Happy Birthday, my Sweet Baby Boo!  This has been a huge year for you!   You should be so proud of yourself and all of your accomplishments.  I know I am.    You've done so much and had so many magnificent moments since last April.  

It has been an honor to be able to watch your skills grow.  I'm not just talking about one skill here or there, but a wide range of them.  Your soccer skills get better each season, as do your dance and softball skills.  This year has been a stellar one for Math.  Have i mentioned lately how proud I am of you for your math skills?  I know your confidence is low in this area, but you wouldn't be in advanced math next year if you weren't capable.  Writing has always been your strong suit, but even those skills have really blossomed over this past year (I knew they would because you have some kick butt teachers!).  

This year, you tried new things and excelled at them.  You added on a dance class.  You were nervous you wouldn't be able to keep up, but you were.  You are sticking with it by doing the online classes for not only your level, but higher levels so that you can push yourself.  This winter, you learned how to ski and loved it (still not sure where you and your brother came from on that one since your father and I hate the cold!).  Listening to you talk about all the hills you went down and how you tried hills that were difficult gave me such a sense of pride.  You are bold and brave and willing to try almost anything.  

You have shone with your leadership skills this year as well.  Every teacher you have ever had has said you are a leader and a good roll model for other students.  This year, that was recognized by being chosen as a Safety Patrol Captain and Co-President of K-Kids.   I believe you understand that you don't have to be bossy to be a leader.  A leader listens and makes the best decisions possible for everyone involved, not just themselves.  You truly are a leader in your every day life.  

You are so kind hearted.  You take the time to help your friends and make them feel better.  Even more, it's not just your friends.  You have included students you are not fond of because they were left out.  You try to make others happy, regardless of it they are your friends or not.  I know that during this pandemic, it's been so difficult to keep in touch with everyone.  I love that you spent 2 hours on the phone playing Uno and other games with H yesterday.  I love that you and K spent time on Zoom making up dances.  I love that you and A were able to do dance classes "together" on Zoom.  I hope that, as we're confined to our houses, you do more of these things to help you feel connected once again.  

I am so proud of all your strength and dedication to your education and sports during this time of change.  I love that you have taken time to learn new things.  I love that your take the initiative to do workouts for dance on your own.  I love that you head outside, almost every day, to throw the softball or kick the soccer ball around.  I love that I don't have to hound you to do your school work.  I love that you do the optional activities with as much gusto as the assigned activities.  I love that you DO things instead of sitting around watching TV or playing on electronics.  I love your passion for reading and how you've branched out with what you read.  I love that you have contributed so much to this household.  

My wish for you this year has changed since the world has changed.  My wish for you for this year is that you don't lose hope.  Stay strong and know that some day, you will once again play with your friends.  You will have dance class that is not in our living room.  You will play softball with a team rather than your family.  You will play soccer on a field instead of in your backyard.   You will once again learn in a classroom instead of your bedroom.  Until then, stay true to who you are.  Know that people love you and are here for you.  Like all times, you are not alone.  We are all here for you.  Your brother, father, and I would move mountains for you.   You have caring and kind friends who have done a lot to make this day special for you.  That speaks to your character and who you are.  

I hope you have a wonderful birthday, my sweet Baby Boo.  

I love you forever.

​Mommy

​

Husband and I do no do winter sports.  We do not enjoy the cold.   Often times, though, we've wanted to take our kids skiing.  We looked into it a few times and decided the price was just not going to work for us.  No way we could justify spending almost $500 for a day none of us could ski.  

Every year, our school district offers ski club.  This year, I decided to look into it.  After I did, it made we wish I would have looked into it sooner.   I'll be clear, the cost is still not cheap, but when my two kids could ski a minimum of 6 different times, with lessons included, for the same price the 4 of us could go, without lessons, one day, I was sold.  Heck, worst that happened would be they didn't like it but learned a little bit.   Like I've told my kids from the moment they started any activity, "We can do anything [x] amount of times".   

My kids were excited to try.  Sunshine didn't know anyone other than her brother,  but knew she could make new friends and, even if she didn't, it would only be 6 times.  Monster chose snowboarding, while Sunshine chose skiing.  This meant they would be split up, but only for lessons.  They rode the bus there and were given permission for Monster to ride the elementary bus with his sister.  

Day one, we pick them up and Sunshine immediately tells us she had so much fun.  Monster tells us he loved it, he hated it [it was really hard], and couldn't wait to do it again   First time was a success.  In each of the progressing weeks, the kids had more and more fun.  Not only were they learning new sports, but they were gaining confidence. 

They were also strengthening their bond.  They depended on each other.  They took care of each other.  They had fun together.  On the car rides home, they talked and laughed and had so many shared stories.  

The past weekend was probably the last weekend we'll get to take them skiing this year.  The weather has been so warm and rainy this winter (which is not good for the polar bears!).  We told them it would most likely be the last time and they were bummed, but, at the same time, excited for next year.  As a family, we all learned some lessons and some tips and tricks.  This experience could have gone two ways.  We were thought we were prepared for both, but it turns out  none of us could have anticipated exactly how special it would be.  
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This past week, something brought the past back to the front of my mind.  There is a program called Hope Squad.  Students for this "squad" are chosen by their peers. I'm not here to talk about this organization, what I'm going to focus is on child, in particular, that brought up my question.  One child that made school hell for Monster.  This child is supposed to be "safe person" for kids to go to if they are feeling bullied or suicidal.  This kid, who is arrogant and mean spirited.  This kid who makes fun of anyone who is not his friend.   What if teachers knew?  What if parents knew?  

It was hat day at school.  I believe it was the very last time Monster ever participated in a spirit day.  He was in third grade.  He came home with no hat on.  I asked him where it was.  He told me he was asked to keep it in his book bag.  I asked him if he was playing with it.  He told me no, and no other explanations.  His teacher reached out to me.  She had asked him to keep it in his book bag because this other child kept taking his hat and throwing it around the room.  Since she could not control this child, it was just easier for Monster to take off the hat.  I am not criticizing his third grade teacher.  She was amazing.  Let's now look at what other kids went home and said, "[Monster] had to take his hat off and wasn't allowed to wear it today".  Parents thought, "Wow, what a bad kid".  What if they knew?

In first grade, Monster's teacher didn't know how to deal with a child who was so advanced.  She set him aside and had him read on his own.  She then got frustrated when he finished his work before everyone else and read.   Letters began coming home every day about him not paying attention.  [Note, this teacher is no longer in our district]  Soon, kids would go home telling their parents how Monster had gotten yelled at.  How Monster had gotten in trouble.  Let me be very clear here, he was not a distraction to the class.  He was not mean.  He did not disruptive.  He read.  All the time.  He finished all his work, correctly, and read.  What if they knew?  

It was like this for most of elementary school.  Parents treated Monster differently because of what their children came home and said.  They still do.  But what if they knew?  What if they knew their kids called him names?  What if they knew their kids pushed him down on the playground?  What if they knew their children would put him up to things they knew were wrong because they wanted to laugh at him?  What if they knew?

And what if they actually knew Monster?  What if they knew that one of the current first grade teachers stopped to tell me how amazing and patient he is with the students he works with?  What if they knew what the adults at karate thought of him with his good attitude and willingness to help out?  What if they knew that his teachers from 5th grade on tell us how wonderful he is?  What if they knew how anyone who has ever had him over to their house has told us how polite he is and he's always welcome to come over?  What if they knew that parents of kids at karate tell me how wonderful he is and how much their kids like him and look up to him?  What if they knew that he was never the "bad" kid and just the kid who wasn't challenged?  What if they knew?

What if they knew that Monster is true to who he is?  What if they knew he learned his lessons the hard way that he doesn't need to be friends with people who don't like him for who he is?  What is they knew he has more confidence and respect for himself at age 13 than their children will ever grow to have?  What if they knew that he doesn't care what their opinions are of him and he knows whose opinions to value?  What if they knew that he's a better person than their judgmental selves will ever be?  I'm pretty sure if they knew, they'd dislike him even more.  They are the people who will never admit they were wrong.  They are the people who don't care about the truth.  They are the people who will continue to believe they are better than others and will always judge.  What if they knew we knew they will never be more than arrogant, judgmental people with nothing better to do then put others down to make themselves feel better?  What if they knew?