I live for summers.  I love having time to relax with my kids.  I love letting them sleep in and having very little to do.  We have a bucket list that we love to do every summer.  We fill our summers with laughter and joy.  I'm not here to say all of the wonderful things we've been doing this summer and make others feel bad about not doing anything.  Instead, I'm here to tell you the truth.  This summer has been hard.  

I have great expectations when it' comes to summers.  Unfortunately, my expectations remain the same even though my children have more and more packed into their schedules.  So far, our summer has consisted of two things:  karate and softball.  There has been very little else that we have done.  Monster has karate 5 days a week.  The only reason he's not there more is because the studio is only open 5 days.  The thing is, he loves it.  Karate is his passion.  Then there is Sunshine and softball.  Sunshine started a new league this year.  When we started, I truly thought she wasn't going to like it because it is definitely more hardcore than her previous league.  I was incorrect.  She loves it!  I've watched her, and her entire team, come so far this year.   They are out there having fun, which is so very important. 

Here is where I have to give a huge thanks to my father-in-law.  We honestly could not be doing the things we do this summer without him.  In fact, I've been so spoiled with having help that I may not be able to figure out how to get kids places come fall when he leaves!  His help has made all of the difference.  I don't have to worry about how I'm going to get someone to or from an event.  He's there to take whichever kid wherever they need to be!  It's also made a huge difference to both of my kids.  Sunshine actually has someone other than just me and Husband to watch to her softball games.  She gets sad because she's one of the only kids who only has her mom and dad there to cheer her on.  This summer, she's also had Grandpa!   Monster is loving having Grandpa here because they have time to hang out.  For the most part, Grandpa has karate duty.  Once a week, they do dinner, just the two of them, and hang out playing chess and other games after karate.  It is such an amazing experience for Monster.  I honestly don't know how parents with no help do it.  If it wasn't for Grandpa, I would have missed so much this summer by having to run kids from place to place

With both of my kids having such a great time and doing things they love, why should I be upset about summer expectations?  I put a ton of pressure on myself and our summer.  I know that we have very few summers left.  I want to make them as special as possible.  I can't tell you how much I have cried over the fact that it's mid July and we haven't gone to the zoo yet or that we missed out on picking strawberries this year.  I'm upset about it because, very soon, my kids aren't going to want to go to the zoo with me.  Soon, they aren't going to want to pick strawberries.  They are growing up so fast and they are filling their summers with more and more things that are just for them.  In the next few years, they are going to have jobs and girlfriends/boyfriends and hanging out with Mommy is going to be thing of the past.  I want to fill their summers with memories so that when they look back on their childhoods, they can recall that every summer, we would all go to the zoo.  Every summer, we would pick strawberries (or blueberries or raspberries ...I'm slowly forgiving myself about missing strawberry picking since there are other fruits out there to pick).  I want them to look back at their summers and not think of how busy they were, but rather how carefree summer days were and how much we enjoyed being together as a family. 

When you look at the big picture, I have only 6 more summers until Monster goes off to college.  Six.  I don't know how the first 12 have flown by so quickly.  And I look at this summer and can't believe we're over halfway through.  I want to slow time so that we can fit every last fun thing in.  I want them to be able to sleep in until noon, but still have time go places, to swim all day, to laze around the house.  I guess what I really want is more time.

With all that being said, we have had an amazing summer so far.  It's been busy, but good.  We've done soccer camp, Camp Invention, Young Naturalist Camp, art classes, picked raspberries, gotten ice cream, made s'mores, gone to baseball games, gone swimming, and more things from our list, plus lots of karate and softball!  There are only 5 weeks left of summer.  Almost every day has something scheduled, but I plan on enjoying the moments we have together.    And I WILL get a zoo trip in!  

Lately, I've been seeing a lot of things for "quick fixes" to anxiety.   First, there are no quick fixes.  Second, people need to stop throwing the word anxiety around as a synonym for stress.  They are different.  Everyone gets stressed.  Everyone.  I get stressed and it's not anxiety.  Most people have never felt the panic, the rage, the depression of actual anxiety to know the difference.  I have. 

Stress and worries are a part of everyday life.  Am I going to be late for work because of the traffic?  Did I study well enough for this test?  Will I have enough money to pay bills this month?  Are my kids sick enough to go to the doctor or should I wait it out?  Some stressors are far more complicated and difficult than others.   The level of the concern does not turn a stress into anxiety.  Chemicals in your brain do that.  Anxiety is stress on crack.  Anxiety takes your stress and then manifests it into something that is so big that you can't control it.  Anxiety can be triggered by any number of stressors.  Most of the time, those of us with anxiety know our triggers, but sometimes, anxiety can come from the most random thing.  Sometimes anxiety doesn't even come from stress.  Anxiety attacks can be triggered through fear or anger or sadness.  

When people are looking for something to "help with their anxiety", 99.9% of those people are actually talking about stress.  If they were really talking about actual anxiety, they'd know that when you are in the middle of an anxiety attack, you're not looking for something to help with the anxiety.  You're in full on panic mode and you're actually not thinking.  There is something that shuts down all logic and reason in your brain.  If you have enough wherewithal to reach for an oil or do some breathing techniques, it's not anxiety, so stop using that word.   When you are in the middle of an anxiety attack, you aren't going to remember any of that.  There was a technique that I read about when you visualize certain things to help calm you when you feel an attack coming on.  I remembered step one and then couldn't remember the rest and it added to my anxiety because then it wasn't just a meltdown about whatever I was melting down about, but it was also about,  "Why I'm such a failure and can't even remember something that is supposed to help?".

There are medications out there to help with anxiety.  It's important to remember that they all come with their own set of side effects though.  Medication helped me a little, but only for a little bit.  I will say it again, there is no quick fix.  If you have real anxiety, you need to learn how to get through it.  You need to learn your triggers.  You can do things that will help lower your stress, which could lessen your chance of anxiety attacks, depending on the triggers.  You can use oils that help calm you.  However, none of these things will stop your anxiety attacks.  

So, from those of us out there who actually have anxiety, please stop calling your worries anxiety.  You can feel anxious.  You can be nervous.   You can have worries.   You can be stressed.   You can be overwhelmed.  But, until you actually experience an anxiety attack and feel like you're bat-shit crazy, then you don't have the right to call it anxiety and stop looking for quick fixes to it.
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My Sweet Baby Boy,

Twelve years ago today, I didn't realize it would be the day that I would meet you.  I went to work, as normal.  Then, you decided to come fast and furious.  We knew you were going to be special since all of the Cleveland area experienced a blackout that night.  It was a warning, "Watch out for this one, World.  He's meant to do great things". 

This year, I was very scared for you.  Last year, you had such a great year.  I didn't want that to end.  I have only heard horror stories of Middle School.  It turns out, I had nothing to worry about.  You thrived.  This year may have actually been better than last (though I believe you will never have better teachers than you did in 5th grade, this year is very close).  You have met more people and become friends with people who are more like minded.  You have freedoms this year, and, for the most part, don't abuse them.  You leave on your own and I just tell you when to be back.  Every morning when you leave for school, I still watch you ride up to the corner and I get teary.  This is the first year in your whole life that I didn't take you to school every day.  All those years past, it wasn't because you couldn't make it to school on your own, I mean we live close enough, but I walked you because I wanted those few extra moments.  I picked you up every day because I wanted to be the first person you saw after your long day of school.  That's why I wait outside for you to come home.  I am so excited to see you and find out about your day that I just can't wait until you put your bike away and come in the house, I need be outside waiting  I can't tell you the feeling of pride that I get when I see you turn down onto our street.  

This year has been a big one for allowing you more freedom.  As a parent, my job is to help you become a functional adult.  For this, a parent can't do everything for their child.  So, we've taken a step back.  Last summer, we started letting you ride your bike to friends' houses, without me checking in the parents to make sure they were around.  Thankfully, you have trustworthy friends who let you know that you guys can't hang out because their parents aren't around.  I'm also thankful you have friends that respect our rules of not being here when your Daddy or I aren't around.  It made me so happy when your friend just showed up yesterday to hang out.  I saw it as a sign of a fun summer to come.  

Another area in which you thrived this year was academics.  This was also another area that you were left to take responsibility for on your own.  Each day, you come home and you immediately tell me if you have homework or not.  I never have to ask you do your homework, you always just do it.  You also take responsibility for studying for tests.   You make sure you do the quizzes and study guides the teachers provide every day.  You're also very proactive and have good communication with your teachers.  Your grades have been fantastic this (and every) year.   You have been putting more effort into your work, and it shows.  

You have really matured so much in the past year.  I can not tell you how great it is to know I can count on you more for things and give you more responsibility.  You have learned to make more meals to help out your family.  You have learned to mow the lawn, and do a pretty darn good job.  You don't give me too hard of a time about doing random tasks that I need help with.  

I am so proud of the person you are and the person you are becoming.  I can't wait to see what this next year brings us.  I am confident it will be just as good if not better than this past year.   As long as we stick together, we can do anything!  I love you beyond measure.  You are my heart and soul.  

Happy Birthday, Little Man.  I love you with all of my heart.  You are my precious gift from God. It's going to be an amazing year.

Love you always,

Mommy.

My Sweet Baby Boo,

Where have 9 years gone?  You are becoming such a beautiful young lady, yet it feels like just yesterday you were my precious baby.  

We are so proud of the young lady you are becoming.  You have such passion for all you do.  You put your heart and soul into all that you try.  You're developing your skills at the things you love to do, like soccer, dance and baseball.   We can see your progression and it amazes us.  We love how you seamlessly transition from graceful ballerina to tough-as-nails soccer player in a 5 minute time span!  

You have had some hard times this year.  Through those, though, you have learned to be who you are.  You have discovered that your tender heart and compassion shine through and others do see it and have faith in it.  You are learning to be who you are, no matter what other people think.  You are broadening your circle of friends and learning that it's OK that you have friends who aren't friends with each other. 

You are also working on trying new things.   You have always been our child who is willing to try pretty much anything, other than food.  You're now expanding and trying all sorts of new things, including new foods!  This year, you have joined clubs for the sake of trying new things and have discovered you like them.  You are in Run Club and having a great time.  You enjoy learning about gardening in Garden Club.  You have taken a step out of your comfort zone and are working hard at Science Olympiad.  

You have learned and tried so much this past year.  I can't wait to see what this next year brings.  The first new endeavour will be a new baseball league.  You may love it or it may not be for you, but either way, you shine.  

Keep being you, my sweet Sunshine.

I love you.  Always.

​Mommy

This is my kitchen counter.  Please note the Hershey kisses that look like Santa hats.  It's the end of February.  We've had these since the beginning of December.  Now note the tomatoes.  I can't even tell you the amount of tomatoes we've gone through since the beginning of December.  

Anxiety and Depression are best friends.   For a lot of us, they go hand in hand.  Sometimes the depression triggers the anxiety, but, for me, the anxiety usually triggers the depression.  And it all revolves around failure.  My failure as a parent, as a wife, as a friend, and just as a person in general.  The title of this is the feeling of failure anxiety brings, but maybe it's the opposite way.  Maybe it's the failure that brings the anxiety.  

I've had a very tough few months.  There has been nothing in my life that I've felt good about for way too long.  Maybe it's that Sunshine is having trouble in school and I can't fix it.  Maybe it's that Monster is growing up and doesn't need me as much.  Maybe it's that Husband has a job he doesn't hate, but is not completely comfortable in.  Maybe it's all of it or maybe it's none of it.  Whatever it happens to be, my anxiety is in full swing and I feel like I failure in every aspect of my life.  

When my anxiety gets out of control, my life gets out of control.  Getting out of bed every day is a struggle.  It's not just because I'm tired or lazy, it's because I'm exhausted to my core.  Part of my brain keeps telling me that I can't do it and the other part tells me it doesn't matter and I need to do it.  So, each day, I drag myself out of bed dreading what lies ahead of me.   I'm a list person, as I've stated in the past.  I have a list for everything.  Lately, the chaos in my head has made it difficult for me to even make a list.  I look around and i really don't even know what I have to do.  I feel like there is too much and I'm just drowning.   Then, I accomplish what I feel to be nothing, and the feelings of failure pop back up and the awful cycle continues.  

I can honestly say that I've never had a period that has lasted this long of non-stop anxiety.  People who know me, can see it.  I have an amazing friend who offered to come over and sort paperwork with me because I told her I felt like paper was consuming me.  I have another friend, who dropped everything she was doing and came to help me find something I was missing because I was having a full on panic attack about it.   I just can't get it together.   The more I can't get it together, the more my anxiety kicks in, the more I feel like a failure.  

I'll admit it, I'm completely jealous of people who have help.  I do it all on my own.  Yes, Husband helps, but he can't always be around.  But then, there's that Catch 22 because needed help, makes me feel like a failure.   I look around and think why can't I do this all on my own?  The truth of the matter is, I do it all on my own, I'm just tired of it.  I need a break.  I can count on one had the amount of breaks I've gotten in 11 years.   I love being a mom and a wife, but I'm no longer good at it.  I'm completely burnt out and failing.  Then you throw the anxiety into the mix and it says that nothing will be OK, ever.  My anxiety tells me that I should give up because I will never be good enough.  My anxiety tells me that I will continue to fail.  Then the depression takes over and tells me I shouldn't even bother trying.  My depression tells me to just stay in bed.  It's a horrible cycle.  Worse yet, I can see the cycle, but can't seem to stop it.  But, seeing the cycle makes me push through, so that's something.  At least I wake up every day and continue.  I'm not really moving forward, but I'm not moving backwards either.  
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Things will not change, so I need to figure out how to work through this all on my own.  I will never have a husband with a job with normal hours.  I will never have people around to help me with my kids.  There will be a time where my children don't need me as much, but that will bring on a whole new bought of anxiety and depression, so I'm not going to think about that for now.  I will keep making it through because that's what I do.  I will show up for my kids because they are what's important.  
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