There are days I can barely pull myself out of bed.  My anxiety makes it so some days are more of struggle than others to just hang in there.  Yet, every day, I get up.  Most days, I just go through the motions of life.  But I do it.  I get everyone fed, where they need to be, and chores accomplished.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  

I seem like a have it all together because my anxiety would take over if I didn't.  I have plan upon plan.  List upon list.  I am ultra organized.  The days I'm not as organized are the hardest.  The days I don't make a list, those are the days where I barely function.  Those are the days I can't breathe because I'm lost, alone with my anxiety telling me everything I do is wrong.  

I live with physical pain.  There are days that are so bad that my list and my planning fall apart because I physically can't do it.   People are aware I have physical limitations, but they don't know exactly how bad they are.  Most days, my pain is manageable, but it's always there.  Pain takes a toll on you mentally.  Every time there is something I can't do, the anxiety takes over and tells me I'm a complete failure at everything in life.  It tells me to quit trying because I will never be able to do anything.  

The truth isn't pretty.  That's why no one wants to ever hear it or believe it.  People pretend everything is great.  I pretend everything is great.  The difference is, I know that things will be OK.  I am a hell of a lot stronger than most people.  People who have never experienced these things would be debilitated.  I have lived with these truths for 20 years.  I do not use these as excuses.  In fact, there is something about anxiety and pain that makes it so you do the opposite.  You push yourself, sometimes past the breaking point, to prove they don't rule you, and then you pay for it later.  Every day, I fight.  There are some days I don't win, but I don't back down.  The truth hurts, but I refuse to give in.

Most articles written about parenting are written about younger children.  A few are written about teens.  Even less are written about those middle years.  I currently fall into the middle year category.  I've read a couple really good articles describing the loneliness of these years as a parent.  I have read articles about mom guilt, but mostly for younger ages.  There really isn't a lot out there describing how hard it is to parent these ages, trying to balance fun and responsibility. 

I've actually chatted with a couple of my friends about this.  For some reason, this summer is hard, emotionally, for me.  Part of it is I realize I only have 4 more summers with Monster.  Four.  And really, it's less than that when you factor in jobs and friends.   Part of me wants to let my kids whatever it is they want this summer, even if that means doing nothing other than playing video games.   Part of me wants to take them on all sorts of vacations because soon they will be too old to want to vacation with me.  Then there is the logical part of me that knows neither of those options work by themselves and I need to teach them responsibility. 

I almost feel like summer is when we shouldn't have any responsibilities.  But, then we have the problem of not having clean underwear or nothing to eat for dinner.  So, it becomes a guilt ridden balancing act.  We have to wash dishes.  We have to wash clothes.  We have to go grocery shopping.  We have to keep the house clean.  We have to mow the lawn.  My kids have to read and work on keeping their math skills sharp.  They get to swim (when it's not raining), play on the XBox, watch TV, play outside, sleep in late, go to bed late, hang out with friends.  They choose to play softball, go to karate, take art lessons, do dance, go to camps, and work at the library.  We do it all, yet, I still have guilt.  

It gets so overwhelming, and that's when the guilt sets in.  Should I wake them up early so we could do more?  Should I let them stay up later so we can do more?  Should I not have let them go to camp so they could have more downtime?  Should I make them do more math so they don't fall behind?  Should I make them do more chores so they take more responsibility?  Should we go on more vacations so they have more experiences?  Should they do no chores so they have more time to just be kids?  Did I remember to appreciate every single second of my time with them?  Did what we did today make memories for them and if not, was it a wasted day?   I know that a lot of this comes from my anxiety, but, talking to moms without anxiety, most feel a little like this, too.  

When our kids are little, we just try to make it through.  We try to keep up.  We feel like we have so much time.  Someone posted how many weekends, from birth to 18, we have with our children.  When you look at it like that, we have such little time.  I know that when our children get older, we still do things with them and we have a different kind of connection.  I understand it, but I'm not ready for it.   Each day, I will continue to do my best to balance it all out.  

A little bit ago, I posted to my Facebook page, "You are doing your children a great injustice by doing everything for them".  I got a lot of likes and a couple comments.  Some people said they are trying to do this more with their children.  One of my friend's comments really hit home though.  This is what she said,
               The only thing my kids don't do is separate and run the laundry.  They bring their clothes downstairs,
               dry it, fold it and put it away.  Been cooking since they could sit up..had the girl cutting cucumbers and 
               washing fruit so young I'm embarrassed to say.  Bathrooms for years.  I them no help = no fun for them.
               When the chores are done we hit the road and make great summer memories.  Plus I hope they keep 
               things cleaner if they know they will be wiping up that toothpaste glob!

This is what I strive for.  My kids have also been chopping veggies since they could hold the knife.  They can cook entire meals by themselves.  Of course they still need help with certain things, but for the most part, they can do everything on their own.  Sunshine has been baking on her own for over the past year.  All I do is put things in and take them out  of the oven.    When Monster was 8, he cooked an entire meal, down to the dessert, on his own.  True, he used the crockpot, but it still counts since he had to do all the prep work on his own.  I still pack my children's lunches because that's fun for me, but they are perfectly capable of doing it on their own.  In fact, I don't make lunches in the summer or on weekends.  They are responsible for their own lunches.  The best part of that is, they make healthy choices.  A lot of the time, people are scared of letting their children take control because of the choices their children will make, but that's why we need to teach them before just letting them go off and do something.  You aren't going to just drop your baby in water and hope they learn to swim.  You teach them.  

Cleaning is where our family struggles.  I am not a neat freak.  I've written about this before, I have organized chaos.  However, my house is CLEAN.  Like you can eat off the floor (most days, maybe not yet today).  So, clean is something I have a difficult time giving up control of.  There is a lot of, "Here, just let me do it", on my part.  Over the past year, I've gotten much better at this.  I realized I was doing way too much when my then 11 year old stated, "I don't know how to clean the table" and proceeded to do the worst job you have ever seen.  If you can't use a spray bottle and paper towel and wipe down a table, there's a problem.  Part of the problem was that I never made him do it.  Another part of the problem was he never wanted to do it.  Sunshine was always the one who wanted to help.   Since Sunshine would always help out, we didn't really need Monster to do it.  

In the past year, I've taken a huge step back and have put more responsibility on the kids.  Know what?  They stepped up.  Now, my kids won't just clean for the fun of it, unless it's their rooms, but they are much better about keeping things clean and doing what I ask.  They clean the bathroom, toilets included, vacuum, mop, and dust.  They don't do windows, but neither do I (but I did just buy a Norwex window cloth, so maybe that will change?).   They take their dirty clothes downstairs, take clothes out of the dryer, fold their clothes, and put them away.  We still have top loading washer, so Sunshine can't reach to take clothes out, but Monster can and does.  My kids are capable of doing pretty much everything now between the two of them.

Part of teaching them do to things on their own is also teaching them accountability.  I can't tell you the number of times I pick my daughter up from school and hear her classmates say, "My mom didn't pack me a snack" or "My mom forgot my water bottle".  No children, you are all old enough to get your own damn stuff ready for school.   My kids may still sometimes slip up and say "Mom didn't" whatever, but we immediately put it back on them.  For camp this summer, Sunshine forgot a water bottle one day.  She didn't come home saying, "You forgot to pack me one", she came home saying, "I forgot a water bottle today".  Know what she did the next day?  She made sure she had a water bottle.  Last night, we had a softball game.  Sunshine's jersey was dirty.  She knew it was because she didn't take her laundry downstairs, not because Mommy didn't do the laundry.  Too often I hear mom's apologizing to their kids when their kids blame them for stuff they should have taken responsibility for.  "You packed a snack I didn't like."  "Oh, I'm so sorry.  What would you like instead?".  If you don't like the snack, pack it yourself.  They need to learn they are perfectly capable of taking care of those kind of needs.


The biggest problem I have is that my kids don't see the mess.  They honestly don't.  Trash is overflowing and they just put more in, causing it to fall out into the cabinet.  Their hampers smell so badly that their entire rooms stink.  They put things in the middle of the floor, seriously, like dead center where we walk, and this includes their expensive phones that can be destroyed if stepped on.  Dry dishes sit in the dish rack and no one puts them away.  Dirty dishes sit on the counter, next to the dishwasher.   Recycling sits on the counter waiting to go the 5 steps to the garage.  Toothpaste globs build up in the sinks.  When I specifically point all this out, they will get to work, but they won't touch it until I ask.  I refuse to do all of the work, but sometimes, it's more frustrating to keep asking them to do these things than it is to just do it all myself.  I feel as though this may be the problem most parents have and that's why a lot of kids can't do anything of their own.  It is frustrating when you need to always be the one saying, "Do this, do that".  It's just easier to do it yourself.  In our house, Husband and I have been making a real effort to point out all of the things that need done in hopes the kids start to "see" it.  Both kids have their strong points and both have their helpful and not helpful moments.  The main thing I must remember is that, even if they don't "see" it now, they know how to do pretty much everything.  As soon as Sunshine gets tall enough, she's going to start lawn mowing (because don't get me started on my rant of how so many grown women can't mow their lawns, my mom included).  As soon as I'm confident my children can sort clothes to my exact specifications, which they may never learn because, after 24 years, Husband still can't do it right, and if they ruin their own clothes it's not as bad as them ruining mine,  they will wash clothes.  

Even though it seems impossible and they may do not it how you would, you have to let kids do things on their own.  If you don't, you'll be raising adults who don't know how to mow a lawn and blaming other people for everything that goes wrong in their lives.

I found this article, and it really struck a chord.  "Intrinsic goals are those that have to do with one's own development as a person—such as becoming competent in endeavors of one's choosing and developing a meaningful philosophy of life. Extrinsic goals, on the other hand, are those that have to do with material rewards and other people's judgments. They include goals of high income, status, and good looks."

I am so thankful that we discuss this in our home. We talk about it doesn't matter if your make-up is perfect or how many followers you have on social media. We talk about being a good person and doing what you love. Of course it's important to be financially stable, and we discuss that, but it has to balance out. If all you're worried about is how you look to others, then that's all your kids will worry about. If you only focus on yourself, but don't show them how to be themselves, they will think they always need the approval from others to validate themselves.  So thankful my kids still PLAY. They use their imaginations. My children CREATE. They don't need to be taking pictures of themselves or checking social media. They are secure in themselves without the approval of their "followers".  They do what they love, not to gain approval, but because it makes them happy.

Every year, May sneaks up on me.  May is by far our craziest month.  I used to think it was because we had one kid in three sports at once, but it's really so much more than that.  The craziness started right on May first when we had our first soccer/softball overlap practice.   It lead right into our busiest weekend of the year: Run 4 Fun, soccer, Science Olympiad, and black belt testing with party after.  Now, that may not seem like a lot, but when two of those events are literally all day, it is.  Silly me, I really thought May would slow down after that first weekend.  I should know better by now.

Every month here is busy.  My kids alone have activities such as karate, softball, soccer, dance, run club, safety patrol, student council, glee, choir (yes, they are different), girl scouts, tutoring and more.   May is where it all culminates.  May is where you think you have more time, but you really don't.   May is where the weather finally gets warm and everyone has cabin fever.  May is where you are buying teacher appreciation gifts, end of year teacher gifts, end of year party stuff, and planning for Memorial Day cookouts. For us, May also means a birthday at the end of the month with all the rest of the craziness.  

May is the month where I try to wrap everything up because I know summer is coming.  When you have kids, you want to make sure you get everything you can done before summer comes so that you can aggressively summer.  If you don't have kids, you may not understand this.  Even if you are a working parent, summer is just different.  You don't want to have to do the little choirs and you want to be able to head out to ball games, make s'mores, and catch fireflies.  I know that people who don't have children, or children who are grown and flown, don't quite grasp this and can't understand why, in May, you are frantically trying to do everything at once.  

To sum up May, here are a few pictures...and this is only part of everything we did.  ​https://pix.sfly.com/wizPJs ​

My Sweet Baby Boy,

​We used to to play for hours, you and I.  We played anything and everything.  You were also so creative, but patient and kind when my creativity didn't match yours.  We would build with wood blocks and play with cars.  You always let me build anything I wanted.  You've always been very easy going like that.   When I was pregnant with Sunshine and always sick, we would play games where I could be sitting or laying down.  We'd play pirate ship a lot.  We sailed the seas of your bedroom and never go tired of the same game because we always had new adventures ahead of us.  

When we needed a little down time from all of the play, we would read together.  You would sit in my lap and we would read story after story.  Thomas the Train stories were your favorite.  We would read about those cheeky engines morning, noon, and night.  After we read about them, we'd also play trains.  It didn't have to be anything fancy, just pushing the trains along the tracks on the train table.  

As you got a little older, you were happy with a little more indepence.  You could build and play for hours alone.  The moment you learned how to read, which was exceptionally early, you would sit and read for hours.  You would read all of the wonderful stories we read together and you would read new and exciting stories on your own.  I would watch you and I would be so proud, and so sad at the same time.  You always still let me play or read to you when I asked, but it was different.  This time, you didn't need me.  

It was all OK because we still had our bedtime ritual.  When you were a tiny baby, I would hold you in my arms, rock you, and sing to you.  As you grew up, I would sit on the side of your bed and sing to you.  It was always the same songs, in the same order.  As more and more time passed and we got busier and busier, our playlist of songs went down to one.   Baby Mine.  I would sit on your bed, stroke your hair, and sing you Baby Mine.  Soon, that one song turned into no songs.  I know you'd still let me sit on the side of your bed and sing to you, but you no longer need or want me to.  

Each morning when I wake you up, I say, "Good morning, my sweet baby angel.  I love you with all of my heart.  You are my precious gift from God.  It's going to be an amazing day, Little Man."  Each morning when I say it, I embrace it because I know that at any moment, it may be the last time.  You will be setting your own alarms to get up and won't need me to wake you up.  And, before I know it, you'll be off to college where I can't wake you up each day.  

You are turning into such an amazing young man.  No matter how old you get, you will always be my baby boy.  Whatever you face in life, I will be there, supporting you.  Even though you no longer need me for a lot of things in your life, I hope that you still want me to be there.  However, even when you don't want me there, I'll still be there, waiting, just in case.  It's you and me.  

Happy Birthday, my Little Man.  I love you.  Always.

Mommy
​

​

The weather is turning nice and we're itching for summer!  What we're hoping to do this summer...

• pick blueberries/raspberries/strawberries
• go to the zoo-Cleveland and Akron
• go out with friends
• play baseball, batting cages
• go to baseball games
• go swimming
• go to the rec center
• go to Little Italy
• go to the art museum
• go to the natural history museum
• go to the park/hiking
• go geocaching
• find rocks
• ride bikes
• make lemonade
• make popsicles
• go camping
• plant a garden 
• walk Girl
• relax!!

Writing is obviously important to me.  If it wasn't, I wouldn't write a blog.  I have always felt it easier to express myself through paper and pen.  Through writing, I can more clearly articulate what it is I want to say.  I come by my ability to write through both of my parents.  My mother is a great storyteller and my father has always used pen and paper to express his feelings.  

In school, while most people struggled with writing, I comfortably crafted story upon story.   Not only was I easily able to create works of fiction, but I could also write factual essays with ease.  I have always used writing to pour my heart out, weave magical tales, or explain concepts.  Not only do the words come effortlessly to me, but the structure of writing does as well.  Up until high school, I don't ever remember being formally taught how to construct a paragraph.  Somehow, I always just knew.  Once I became a teacher, writing instruction was an area in which I thrived.  

When my son was young, he had fine motor issues.  These issues made it extremely difficult for him to physically write.  Because of trying to catch up with motor skills, he fell behind in writing instruction, or so I thought.  It wasn't until going into 4th grade that his fine motor skills were on par with a child his age.  I wasn't too concerned because I knew that I was strong in writing and could help.  For him, writing is extremely difficult and doesn't make sense.  He's a logical person, I tried to explain it as logically as I could.  We made a lot of progress before we had yet, another, set back.   Going into 5th grade, he was so far behind in writing that I honestly didn't think he could ever catch up.  Not only that, but his confidence has been shot and he truly hated to write.  Though I had given him the basic formula for writing, I wasn't sure he could even apply it with how low his confidence was.  Then, my son got so very lucky and had the best fifth grade teachers ever.  Now, going into 8th grade, he's a decent writer.  Storytelling is still very difficult for him.  Though he reads more than anyone I know, adults included, trying to find words to make stories of his own is not his forte, but the structure of writing is correct.  He still does the bare minimum to get by, but as his confidence grows, I believe his writing will also grow. 

Sunshine, on the other hand, is more like me with her writing.  Words and ideas easily flow from her.  She can sit down and write for hours.  The stories that she writes are well crafted and filled with vibrant word choices.  For factual works, she has evidence that supports her topic.  Sunshine, however, lacks structure.  She has the potential to be a phenomenal writer.  I have tried, many, many times to help her with this, but she is stubborn and believes that if you try to make it better, you are saying what she has written is not good.   Next year, Sunshine has the same 5th grade team and I'm hoping they can help her with structure since she won't listen to me.

Writing is so important, yet, in today's society, we put very little emphasis on it.  Writing has become a thing of the past.  Everything that that people want to say has become abbreviated to fit into the number of characters you can post on social media.