I love Pinterest.   It's been a while since Pinterest came out, but I still use it.  Why?  It keeps everything organized for me.  I love knowing right where to go for recipes that I wanted to try or craft ideas or organizing tips.  I have one board dedicated just to parenting.  It has pin after pin on raising kids.  To be specific, it has 157 pins.  Do you know how many of those 157 pins I've read or taken advice from?  Zero.  I have skimmed everyone, found it interesting from my brief interaction with it, and then pinned it for when I have time to really look it over.  Who am I kidding?  I never have time.  Or rather, I never have interest.  Sometimes, I go and click on the board.  I briefly look over what I deemed worthy of pinning.  Once, I even went as far as deleting pins that were for toddlers, since I no longer have toddlers.  

The thing is, I never actually read any of these.  I keep them because, on some level, they bring me comfort, and on another they bring me pain.  One of the pins I have is tips for raising  well-behaved child.  I keep this for when I'm feeling bad about myself.  Like I'm failing as a parent and my kids are wild banshees.  I look at it and it brings me sadness that my kids can't be better.  The truth of it is, my kids are actually great.  They are very well-behaved.  They have great manners.   There has never been a person that has had my kids over that hasn't complimented how polite and well-mannered they are.  We go out places and random people come up to me and compliment my kids.   Yet, at home, when they are letting loose and being kids, I feel like a failure, so I pin.  I come back and l look at tips on raising well-behaved kids and I can't bring myself to even read past number 2 because I feel like nothing I do is going to work. 

Then there are pins like positive affirmations for you child.  I skim those over and feel good about myself.  These are things I say to my kid every day.  "I'm lucky to have you".  "You have such a big heart".  "I hear you".  I say these types of things to my kids every day.  I keep these pins around to remind me that I'm doing a good job.  They make me feel good about myself, but they just stay there, unread

The truth about parenting is that no matter what you pin, read, don't read, do or don't do, there are always going to be moments when you feel like a failure or the best parent in the world.  Sometimes, these moments will even come within seconds of each other!  You can read all you want, but nothing truly prepares you for the ups and downs of parenting.

For example, yesterday, I woke my daughter up at 7:45 only to have her ask me, immediately upon waking up, "When's my next safety patrol meeting?".  Crap.  That would be at 8:00.  Total parenting fail.  There are no books that teach you how to deal with that situation.  You just do the best you can.  Ten minutes later, I had a parenting win when Sunshine and I were headed out the door.  She ate breakfast and got ready in 10 minutes.  Apparently, I did something right to be able to have a kid be so prepared for school, it only takes 10 minutes from waking up to walking out the door.  Again, no books tell you how to do this.  You just do it.  Some people wouldn't have been able to make it in 10 minutes, and that's OK, too.  

We all get the books and read the articles, or in my case, pin the pins, but never read anything, because we all feel like we are failing.  At times, we are.  At times, we're not.  Like I was telling a friend yesterday though, sometimes, we need to fail (or let our kids fail) to learn.   No books can teach you how hard it's going to be to fail.  No books prepare you for that.  Everything we do, teaches us how to become better.  Not just better parents, but better humans.  It is then our job as parents to help our children learn their own life lessons.   No two children are the same, so there is no one "parenting technique" that is going to work.  If anything, the biggest parenting tip should be, "be flexible".   Of course there are always little tips that help.  That's why I have an entire Pinterest board dedicated to parenting!  Of course there are things I feel strongly about, like electronics and follow through with consequences. but those are my things.  Some people are sticklers for chores.  Some grades.  No matter what the parenting "thing" is, the hope is that decent, self-sufficient humans emerge.  

Life it tough.  I completely understand wanting to protect your children.  We all want that.  The thing is, it's important not to lead them to believe life is all fun and games.  I understand that when you're going through a rough spell, you want to make things more fun and less hard on your children.  However, buy making every moment magical for them, you're setting them up for failure.  I am not saying parents shouldn't try to make moments magical.  They should.  There should most definitely be magical moments in children's lives.  There is a difference in making magical moments and trying to make their lives magical.  You can't hide the bad from your children.  It's not realistic.   

There are people who tell their kids everything and then there are people who hide everything from their kids.  We probably fall closer to the end of telling them everything, but we're not quite there.  Are there things we hide from our kids?  Definitely.  They are children.  They don't need to be burdened with all adult things.  Yet, there is a line.  You can't hide your struggles from your kids.  Husband and I fight.  Some people are of the opinion that you never fight in front of your kids.  We are not of that opinion.  There are things we will not say to each other in front of the kids, but we do argue.  It's important for kids to see that marriage takes work.  It's not always the "honeymoon" period.  (For clarification, by fight, I do not mean we punch and or hurt each other.  I was asked to clarify that by someone because they think of fighting as physical)  By fighting in front of the kids, they get to see that married couples are allowed to have differences of opinions.  They see that we get our feelings hurt.  They also see that it takes compromise.  They see it takes respect.  They see that we don't always get our own way and we learn how to deal with it.  They see how people can still love each other and work on problems together.  They see that you don't always have to agree, and sometimes, it's a stalemate.  They see that relationships take work.  They see you don't just give up when things get hard.   Not in our house, but in some situations, they see that sometimes you can't work past those differences and you need to end the relationship.  That is why some people are scared to argue in front of their children, but there's a flip side to that.  If you never argue in front of them and they think everything is great,  when it ends, they are blindsided.   I am not a child of divorce, but I know that talking to people who are, those who were blindsided took it harder and it was harder to work through.  

We all make bad decisions.  There are parents out there who don't want their children to know that they aren't perfect.  This immediately sets kids up for failure in life.  If they view their parents as never making mistakes, they feel like they, too must be perfect.  That's not realistic.  I am constantly telling my kids when I make poor choices!   It's equally important to see that there are consequences for poor choices.   I chose the wrong line at the grocery store; consequence is that I wait longer.  I didn't completely stop at the stop sign; consequence is I got a ticket.  Kids need to see that some choices have worse consequences than others.  We need to own up to our mistakes.  Mommy didn't stop at the stop sign, so she got a ticket.  Action=consequence.  There is no whining on my part on how the $170 ticket for rolling through a stop sign when no was coming is not fair (even when I think it's crap that it's that expensive and I totally yielded).  It is what it is because I made that choice.  They can then apply these things to their own lives.  If, as a parent, you are constantly taking the responsibility of your actions off of yourself and complaining things aren't fair, then your children will be the same way.   "I failed the test because the teacher has it in for me", nevermind the kid didn't study.  "I have detention because the principal hates me", nevermind the kid was caught writing things on the bathroom walls.  Will they run into people who really do have it out for them?  Yes.  Sometimes is the consequence completely unfair?  Yes.  But it matters that they see that. Sometimes, things aren't fair, but if all we do is whine about it, then kids never learn that, sometimes, you need to change your behavior.  Imagine if I always rolled through stop signs and got a ticket each time and complained how unfair it was.  I'm showing my kids that even though I don't follow the rules, it doesn't matter, the police are just out to get me.  They then grow up thinking nothing is their fault and people are just out to get them and their family.  Forget that what was done was breaking the law, everyone is just out to get them.  As a kid, you always feel like the world is out to get you.  It's important that, as parents, we don't add fuel to that.  It's important that we show actions having consequences.  You don't study for the test, you may fail.  You write on the bathroom wall, you may get detention.  You roll through a stop sign, you may get an outrageously priced ticket.  (let me add, it's been at least 5 years since this ticket, but my kids still like to bring it up, and I let them because it's a good lesson)

It's important to not try to make every moment fun for you kids.  Kids need to be bored.  They need to be able to entertain themselves.  I know people whose children constantly complain about being bored and the parents go off and find an activity for them to do or they tell them to just go play on electronics.  If that works for you, then great, but remember that you are then teaching your children that other people are responsible for entertaining them.  When kids are very young, you need to show them options of what to do when they feel like they have nothing to do.  You also need to show them it's OK to be bored.  We all get bored.  The difference is, most of us can figure it out on our own and we don't expect others to entertain us.  When my kids have friends over,they know better than to say they are bored.  They know I will not entertain them.  They are 12 and 9, they don't need someone making each moment of their lives fun.  From my 9 year old, I still get the occasional, "What should we do?"  I don't stop what I'm doing and find things.  I list a million things they could do and then I add, "If you guys are really that bored and don't want to do anything, I guess it's time for [whomever] to go home".  It's amazing how kids can then figure out something to do on their own!  Of course there are things that sometimes kids need help doing, and I'm happy to help out with, but it's got to be their idea.  Sunshine has a friend who she loves to bake with.  I used to stand over them and help them bake, but the last time, I didn't.  I let them do it all on their own.  Their creation didn't come out perfect, but it was edible!  Electronics are just another form of someone else having to entertain you. I realize we have very strict rules about electronics (phones, computers, video games, tv) in this house, however, it helps kids understand that they can turn to something else when they are bored.  

That all being said, life can definitely be fun.  We have so much fun with our kids!  We do all sorts of things with our kids where we have fun.  Yesterday, we went to the local Ice Festival.  Did we go because I felt we needed to make the day magical?  No.  We went because it's fun.   Do we do things like that every night or every weekend?  No.  There are nights we do nothing.  Let me rephrase that for those of you who actually know me....there are night we don't do fun family activities.  To be more specific, there are Fridays, which are our only free nights, where we don't do fun family activities.  In fact, the majority of Fridays, we sit at home and do NOTHING.  The thing is, most of our nothing times, we're having more fun than if we planned something.  It's not about making every moment packed with something to do.  It's about be present.  It's about truly enjoying each other and being able to be with each other without always being on the go.   Kids need to learn that everything isn't always fun, but you can have a lot fun along your life journey.
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I stood outside and kept my eyes upon that empty chair.  That line from a song always spoke to me.  I feel like I spend most of my life on the outside, always looking in.  Logically, I know my anxiety always keeps me a little on the outside, but it's more than that.  

Normally, I spend a good portion of my time sad that I can't be more social.  I spend time wondering what's wrong with me and why people don't ask me to do things.  This week, though, something happened that made me realize, I will always be the person on the outside.  Even if I make it in, I will always have one foot out the door, just in case.  More than that, I realized, I'm OK with it.  

People look at me and think I have a lot of friends.  I don't.  I am friendly.  I am helpful.  I am compassionate.  Those things make others think I'm outgoing and have a ton of friends.  In fact, when I told someone that certain things are hard for me because I have social anxiety, he was shocked.  He would have never guessed.  I work really, really hard to hide it, but it's always there.  It's always making me feel unwanted....always on the outside.

My epiphany came in the form of awkward silence.  It was in a moment of awkward silence that I realized, I don't need people who don't need me.  Why do I want to be part of people's lives when the only time I'm good for their lives is when they need something?  I'm the reliable one, not the fun one.  The thing is, for the true friends, I'm also the fun one.  Why would I want to be with people who don't care if they are with me or not?  Why do I want to be seat filler?   

I didn't know that I had made peace with being on the outside until I got in my car and started blasting my music.  I may be old, but I still like to listen to my music cranked all the way up and sing at the top of my lungs.  I only do this on special occasions now, when I'm feeling particularly free.  As I turned up the music, I realized how free I felt.  I had to really stop and think about why my mood was what it was.  I realized it was because I'm alright not being that seat filler.   I'm alright being on the outside.  When it comes to the people who I truly matter to, I'm not on the outside.  I have a name tag at my place at the table, not just filling an empty seat.  I realize I will still feel bad at times while on the outside, but, at least I know that I don't need people who don't want me to have a permanent seat at their table.

We all need time to recharge.  Adults and kids.  That's why we try to make the most out of our Christmas vacations.  We believe in sleeping in, lazing around, and not having a bunch of stuff planned.  This year, we switched it up a little, but to add a day of fun.  We surprised the kids with a trip to Universal Studios.  The kids had such a great time!  They experienced their first real roller coasters, which went better than anticipated, they got to explore Hogwarts, Hogsmeade, and Diagon Alley, and so much more.  The most stressful part of the day was getting on the shuttle to get back to the hotel.  

After Universal, our vacation was pretty low key.  That's just the way we like it!  We did a lot of swimming and playing at the beach.  I finished reading one book in one day, which is unheard of when I'm at home.  We slept in late, ate when we felt like it, and had lazy days.  When we got home, it didn't change too much, other than Husband had to go to work three of the days we were back.  We had a couple of days where the kids never got out of their jammies.  I call that a success!  

Going back to school yesterday was tough.  Getting back into the swing of things is never an easy transition.  Poor Sunshine had a hard day.  Hoping today goes better for her and we get our groove back quickly!

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The theme of this school year for me has been "disconnected".   For some reason, this year, my head is in the clouds.  I float, day to day, not completely sure what's happening.  I usually start out the day strong and think of all the things that need to get done.  By the time I get paper and a pen to write them down, I've completely forgotten what I needed to do.  I have spent a lot of this school year running back and forth because I can't get my act together.  Every time I think that I've got it together, I realize that I've forgotten something, yet again.

I've also been disconnected from my friends this year, which also may be part of the problem.  For years,  my friend and I have spent hours chatting on the street corner or at my house.  This year, both of our girls are in safety patrol, which means earlier drop off and we don't get to see each other as much.  There's after school, but it's not the same.  We all have places to be and things to do.  

Being a stay at home mom is a gift.  It truly is.  However, no one talks about the loneliness that comes with it.  No one talks about the feelings of guilt and the pressure that goes along with it.  Since I stay home all day, everything should be done, and perfect.  Normally, things are all done and run smoothly.  They are never perfect, but that's been ok.   Things are no longer running smoothly though.  I have forgotten big events, even when they are clearly marked, and I'm scrambling to figure out how to change things around last minute.  I've always been the person who has at least two back ups for my back-up plan.  Now, I don't even has one back up plan. 

By this time, I normally have baked a ton of Christmas goodies.  This year, I've baked almost nothing.  I usually enjoy baking, but, lately, it's seemed more like a chore.  I'm hoping that after the holidays, I'll be more focused and can get my "Christmas" baking done.  

If you are a person for whom I dropped the ball, I'm sorry.  I am really trying.  I am doing my best to get my head back in the game.  I am hoping to reconnect to my life after the craziness of the holidays.  I'm hoping this break from school and activities will give me the time I need to recharge.

Bravery comes in many different forms.  Those who rush into burning buildings are considered brave.  Those who fight in wars are considered brave.  Those who put their lives on the line every day are considered brave.  Sometimes, we forget to look at the smaller acts of bravery that may not affect many, or any, people, but define who one becomes.  

I've discussed how brave my son is.  How, for years, he was bullied, but he walked into school every day, ready to face whatever was waiting for him.  It takes a special person to want to go and try again each day.  This, too, is the kind of bravery that people see and recognize.  

Sometimes, though, bravery is quiet.  I never really realize how very brave Sunshine is because her bravery comes quietly.  It hit me the other day when I watched her walk into the empty school building, alone, at 7:20am for art club.  We both knew she was a little early.  Had that been me at 9 years old, I would have either made my mom go in with me or I would have waited to walk in until more people were there.  Sunshine, she walked right in, never hesitating.   I found out later that evening that she was the only student there for about 10 minutes.  She was almost completely alone in the building other than one teacher, who had her help him set up for bell choir (which she's not in) so that she wouldn't be sitting alone and waiting.  It didn't phase her that she was the only student there.  It didn't make her want me to go in with her or wait until other people came.  The next morning, for choir, she once again, got out of the car and walked right in.  

It got me thinking of other quiet ways Sunshine is brave.  Sunshine stand up for kids who can't stand up for themselves.  Last year, while friends of hers were making fun a little girl in their class with autism behind her back, Sunshine spoke up and told them to stop.  She told them that [K] was very nice and they need to stop making fun of her.  This, in itself, is brave.  Speaking up for what you believe in is always brave, but, the stood up to her friends.  It's one thing to stand up to people you don't really know, it's another to stand up to your friends.  

Both of my children in brave in ways that I could never be.  They both walk into situations where they don't know anyone and aren't sure of what they're doing, and they flourish.   That speaks to their character.    I worry so much about their futures.  I worry if they will succeed.  I worry if they will find love.  I worry if they will be happy.  The one thing that I don't have to worry about is if they will be brave enough to go after what they want.  I know they will find that bravery in themselves.  I know they will continue to stand up for others, even when it's not the popular thing to do.  I know that they will find the strength to get through rough times.  I pray the continue to be as brave as they are throughout their lives.  I am so lucky to have children who teach me, every day, the meaning of bravery, and inspire to be brave as well.

Doing the right thing is hard.  I talk about this with my kids all the time.  We talk about doing things because they are right and not for recognition or expecting something in return.  Still, it's hard and sometimes tiring.  I'm so thankful that I married the most generous, kind, loving man in the world.  He keeps me doing the right thing, even when I'm tired of it.  I have a short temper and I can't tolerate watching people I love get the short end of the stick.  When it comes to doing the right thing with certain people, I have a very hard time.  Husband keeps my compass straight. 

The thing about doing the right thing is that, while it's important, it's also important to do what's right for you, first.  You know that whole fasten your oxygen mask before helping others, that applies here, too.  I have learned that I can't do everything for everyone.  I refuse to sacrifice some of myself and my family for others, no matter who they are.  There are just some people that are in your life that you can't keep doing the right thing for when all it does is hurt you or your family.  

But, we always try.  Trying to do the right thing is important.  When we can do something, we do.  It's just as important for my children to see us do the right thing with people who never do a thing for us.  I refuse to let it hurt my family, but I also use it as a teachable moment.  

So, we'll keep doing the right thing.  Our little family, we have the right stuff, even when other people don't.  
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My husband is a natural born leader.  People look to him for leadership and for what to do on a job rather than "bosses" who are bossy.  In a Management 101 class that I took nearly 2 decades ago, the professor stated that in order to be a good boss, you needed to respect your employees.  Right there is the difference between being bossy and being a boss.  When little girls are bossy, you tend to hear that they will make great bosses someday.  This is just an excuse that parents make for their child's behavior.  Being bossy does not equal being a good boss.  When little boys are aggressive to get what they want, or bully people into doing things, the same tends to be said about being a good boss.  Good bosses do not use intimidation.  To be a good boss, you need to be a leader.  Leaders are different than bosses.  Leaders do not need to "boss" people around to accomplish a goal.  

What got me thinking of all this is that my daughter is applying for the leadership group at her school.  When my son was in 4th and 5th grades, he also wanted to join this group.  The problem for him was that the kids who bullied him had joined this group and he didn't want to be part of that.  It's sad that our society has trouble seeing the difference between leadership and bossiness/bullying.  Too often, outsiders see these traits as being good at leading.  It's once you have to work with these people that you see that's not true.   It's once people start to quit and leave and not want to be around those people that others start to see a problem as well.  In order to be a leader, you don't need to be loud and outspoken.  You need to stick to your convictions while working with others to obtain a common goal.   I'm proud to say that my children excel at that.

Both of my kids have natural leadership skills like their father.  However, leadership skills also need to be nurtured.  When my children are being bossy with their friends, we nip it in the bud.  We remind them to listen to see what their friends are thinking and then compromise.  Both of my children are excellent at compromise.  Compromising doesn't always mean giving in.  Some people believe that in order to lead, you must always get what you want.  This just isn't true.  In order to lead, you must know when to push and when to ease up.  You need to listen to others, not pretend to listen, but actually hear what they are saying, even if they aren't saying it. Sometimes, the best leaders are the quiet ones who listen and take it all in.  Listening is critical for being a good leader, and one can't listen if they are too busy bossing others around.

There are moments in life in which you realize how blessed you truly are.  Some are little, like everyone, including dogs, sleeping in until 7:30 on the weekends.  Some are bigger.  Sometimes, the moments hit you out of the blue.  The first day of Run Club with my daughter was one of those moments that came out of nowhere.  For Run Club, the end event is a Color Run.  She can't do it for a couple of reasons.  Even though she can't do the run, she still takes part in Run Club.  She does this because she enjoys it.  She doesn't need praise.  She doesn't need recognition.  She doesn't need to be the best.  She doesn't need everyone to know that she's in Run Club.  The thing is, this is how she is with everything in her life.  I see so many kids who only do things for praise or some sort of recognition.  I see them doing things just for the attention.  They may not even enjoy whatever it is they are doing.  I see kids who say they don't want to do something because it's boring, but then get recognition for it and decide they want to continue, even though they were just ready to quit.  The other thing I see is kids deciding not do something because they aren't the best at it.  That is something Sunshine doesn't do.  She does things because she is passionate about them, or at, the very least, she thinks they're fun.  

Life is not about constant praise and recognition.  Life is not about being the best at everything.  You need to do things because they are the right thing to do or because you enjoy them.   A life lesson is that there is always someone out there that is better than you at something.  The opposite is that there is always someone worse, also.  There are things you have to do.  There are things that are right to do.  There are things that are fun to do.  The trick is to balance them.  At age 9, Sunshine is well ahead of the curve on this one.  

There was a point where Sunshine asked what her "thing" was.  She listed friends and their "things".   She was upset because she felt like she didn't have a "thing".  I let her know that passion was her "thing" .  She is passionate about everything she does.  She puts her heart and soul into everything.  She doesn't focus on just one thing and has a huge range of interests.  This kid does everything.  She is in soccer, softball, dance, science olympiad, girl scouts, safety patrol, glee, and more things I can't think of at the moment.  She does these things because she enjoys them.  She doesn't expect praise or special recognition.  She just does them because she enjoys them.   

She also doesn't make excuses when she doesn't want to do something.   I can't tell you the number of times I've heard excuse after excuse about why someone isn't doing something.  When Sunshine doesn't want to do something, it's because she doesn't enjoy it and she's upfront about it.