This past week, the 8th graders at my son's school went to Washington DC.  My son did not.  He's known since 6th grade that he didn't want to go.  I have taken a lot of crap from people about him not going.  "He's going to miss out."  These people don't know my kid.  Let me tell you, he's not missing out on anything.  

Ever since Monster was tiny, he's always been the kid who can get along with anyone.  You can put him with people, and he's perfectly capable of interacting.  He has never been the kid who forms a lot of close friendships.  The close friendships he does build are with those that he feels truly comfortable with.  He's definitely not my social child, yet, he's very sociable.  Why does any of this matter?  Because the 8th grade DC trip is really just a social event.  A social event that my child had no interest in going to.  

I don't know if any of you remember your trips to DC, or, in my case, Toronto.  Everyone I've talked to doesn't remember these trips.  They can't tell you anything they learned.  They remember the social stuff.  From our trip, I remember the boys ordering pay- per- view porn and we went to see Phantom of the Opera.  That's it.  I remember nothing else.  I can't even tell you who my roommates were and we only had 14 people in our entire group.   Husband can't tell you one thing he learned from his trip.  Other people have vague recollections of seeing certain things, but nothing stuck.  So, tell me again how my son is missing out?  

My son wants to learn.  That's the difference between him and most everyone else.  He's known from the start that this was just a social trip, disguised as a learning experience.  When he first heard about the trip, he already stated that he would rather go with his family so that he could see what he wanted instead of what other people wanted him to see.  As an alternate trip, the kids who did not go to DC went to the Museum of Natural History, the Western Reserve Historical Society, and All Fired Up.  My son loves the Museum of Natural History.  Even better, they got to do the planetarium, which is one thing he's not been able to do while he's been there in the past.  He came home raving about it.  And, he was also social.  He hung out with kids that he knows from classes but isn't really friends with.  He got to have conversations with kids he normally wouldn't due to different social groups.  The alternate trip took the social groups away and tossed people together.  So how is he missing out?  He's learning things and learning how to get along with people outside of his usual group of friends.  

Did the DC kids have fun?  Of course.  A lot of them had a great time.  Was it a better time than what my kid had?  No.  It was just different.  Will he ever get to see Washington DC?  He will.  On his terms.  He'll get to see what he wants and take as much time as he wants.  There is a great program for high schoolers  to go to DC and actually learn about the government.  They get to sit in on a session of Congress (if in session while there).  They have classes in the evenings about political topics.  They aren't just with their friends, but with people from all over the country.   If he doesn't take part in a program like this, it's OK, too.  I know that he's not missing out on anything.  I know that one day, he'll get to the Smithsonian (that's really all he wants to go see). 

Monster didn't miss out.  Maybe it was the opposite way around.  Maybe all those other kids missed out.  Maybe they missed out on getting to know others outside of their social groups.  Maybe they missed out on opportunities to learn how to get along with people they are thrown with.   Just don't go making an assumption that someone is missing out on something when it's something they truly don't even want to do.  

​

We are in the stage of life where this is our last elementary school year.   Over the years, I have watched nine Donuts with Dads go by.  Over the years, people have complained and the "name" has changed.   It's changed to include dads, grandpas, uncles, pretty much anyone male in your life.  Let me be clear, it has always included these people before the name change as well.  I get it.  Single moms feel bad for their kids and don't want their children to feel like they are left out because they don't have a dad (though the single moms I know don't really care about the "name" of an event).  But, name gets changed to include everyone and no one feels bad. 

Here's where you hand me my soapbox.  In 9 years of elementary school, my children have never attended.  Why?  Because my husband works and we have no one else.  Could I go?  Sure, but it's not the same.  Guess what?  Life isn't fair.  Some people's parents have to work.  Some people's dads are deadbeats.  Some people's father's have passed away.  The thing is, you need to get through it and deal with your feelings. They are also changing the name of the Father-Daughter Dance to "Me and My Guy".  Here's where I could get offended by this.  In years past, there have been a few close calls where my husband almost didn't make it from work.  I had already lined up other friends' dads for Sunshine to go with.  Changing the name to "Me and My Guy" puts more possession on the "date".   Going with someone else's dad is hard enough, but then calling him "my guy", makes it even worse.  Then let's add to it that the rules clearly state that the "my guy" has to be over 18.  So, that means if something were to happen, Monster couldn't even take Sunshine to the dance.  What I'm getting at is that no matter what it is, you will always find someisn't happy with 

one who ​My brother-in-law passed away this summer leaving his two girls behind.  They will not get a father-daughter dance at their wedding.  Their father will not walk them down the aisle.  It is a fact they have to live with.  Do we demand the entire system change and have it no longer be tradition that the father of the bride walks them down the aisle?  No.  Because people overcome it.  Does it suck?  100%, but people do it every day.  

To make a fuss about the wording of events is just making the coming generations not have to deal with their emotions or feelings.  The truth of the matter is, we can't shield our children from everything.  Life happens and we have to teach our children how to cope.  Changing the title of "Donuts with Dads" doesn't make kids feel any better if they don't have a dad present.  They live every day knowing their dad isn't there.  The name doesn't "make it hurt a little less".  Kids aren't stupid.  They look around and they see all of the dads there.   The thing is, if you've taught them good coping mechanisms, they can look around at all the dads there, be sad, but still be thankful they are there with their uncle, grandpa, neighbor, etc.   

Sometimes, there are people who touch your life that need their own blog post.  I have many, but today, Gram deserves a special post.  Gram is my friend's mom.  She has never met me.  She has never met my children.  Still, she gives her heart to us, unconditionally.  

I was chatting with a friend the other day, trying to explain how her kid would be OK because she was there to be her sounding board.  We all need a sounding board.  We need someone in our lives to give us perspective.  All too often, we have people who tell us what we want to hear.  We have people play upon our fears.  We have people who hold us down.  I am fortunate because I have amazing friends, including Gram's daughter, who really deserves her own post, but that's for another time.  Sometimes, though, we don't need a friend.  We need someone older and wiser telling us what to do (yes, I sound like Liesl).  

Gram has this way of making me feel better.  She is the voice of reason.  When I have fears, I can go to her and talk them through.  She is logical about it.  She lays the facts down, even though I may already know them.  She has a way of not making me feel badly about my fears.  She holds my hand through it until I come to realizations on my own.   She has a way of not making me feel like you are bothering her with trivial things.  

Because she is who she is, she is one of the first people I want to share things with.  For example, this morning Sunshine left for camp.  She was the first, rather the only, person I sent a picture to of her heading out.  I did it not only for reassurance that Sunshine was going to be OK, but because I knew she'd also be excited for Sunshine.  Even though she's never met my kids, she loves them.  She shows them she cares.  She cheers them on.  She virtually eats lunch with them when we think they may be eating lunch alone.  She encourages them to step out of their comfort zone (and me out of mine!).  She celebrates their victories.   She is sad for their defeats, but not in a way that makes them feel like they are failures.  My kids appreciate her because they know that someone is cheering them on, other than Mom and Dad.  

Life is hard.  All we can do is try to surround ourselves with people who care.  People who build us up.  People who don't focus on the negative.  Because of a friend who is my family, I also have her mom.  People are put into your life for a reason.  I am so fortunate that Gram came into ours.

This summer was a summer of growth for my Sunshine.  It was about this time that Monster came into his own, as well, but he was always more comfortable in his own skin than Sunshine has been.  Sunshine has always had a kind heart.  She's always been kind and sweet to other.  She has always been extremely respectful to others.   At home, it was a little different.  She still had a big heart and cared deeply.  but the sweetness and respect was lacking.  I get it, we're her parents so it's bound to be different.  There is going to be attitude.  The amount of attitude was insane though, especially being so young.   We worked at it and worked at it.  There were consequences.  We never let it slide.  

This summer, things changed.  This summer, she came into her own.  Something clicked.    Suddenly, Sunshine is more of who she is with others to us.  A lot of it has to do with being more comfortable in her own skin.    She learned some great lessons this summer.  She learned that she doesn't have to try to impress people.  She learned that just being who she is, is impressive enough.  She learned that she doesn't need to compete with others. She learned that she doesn't need to compare herself to others.  She learned she is perfect for who she is.  She learned she's not the best at everything, but she's also not the worst.   She has learned that confidence does not equal leadership.  She learned that most people are just faking to please others.   She learned most people care more about themselves and what things look like to other people.  She learned that doing things that make her happy, make her happy.  She learned that people like her for who she is, and if they don't, they aren't friends and not worth fretting over.  

I can't even begin to tell everyone how proud I am of her.  I hope that she continues to be true to herself and remember all of these important things she learned over the summer.

​

My kids are good.  I mean genuinely good kids.  Do they make mistakes and do stupid things?  Of course.  Do they give me attitude sometimes, most definitely.  Yet, they are down to their cores good kids.  I watch them with other people and I watch other people's kids and it makes me realize how amazing my kids are.  

A lot of parents have blinders when it comes to their children. "My child wouldn't do that."  "They know better."  I have news for these parents, your kids are most likely doing these things you think they wouldn't do.  Even though I know my kids are good, I also know they screw up and make poor choices sometimes.  I will say my kids know better than to do something, but I'll also follow it up.  I won't just say my kid knows she's not allowed to do this or that on her phone and then not check.  I'm constantly checking their phones.  I mean daily.  We have parental controls and I can block things, and have blocked things.  If they are abusing their phones, they get them taken away.  That, they know, so when I say they know better, they do because they've learned there are  consequences.  Too many parents say they know better, but never follow up on it or have no consequences.   I have 100% said that my kids should know better.  Should being the key word.  I know that even though they should know better, they can screw up.  If you are a person who never screws up, then you're lying to yourself.  We all do things we should know better than to do.  It happens.  But, even in adulthood, there are consequences.  I know better than to eat too much cheesecake.  My consequence, my stomach is a complete mess.  Should I have known better, yup.  I made the choice and I deal with the consequences.  My daughter chooses to ride her bike where she's not allowed, even though she should know better, she loses being able to ride her bike with friends for a month.    You can screw up and still be a good person.

I'm not so blind to know that my kids can make poor choices sometimes or exclude kids they don't like, but I also know they try to be polite about it until the point of breaking.  For some reason, we live in a world where "everybody should be friends".  Not true at all.  Everyone should be kind, but not everyone gets along.  In fact, if someone is rude or mean to you, you should not be their friend.  I'll say it again, when someone constantly treats you badly, you should not be there friend.  This goes for old and young people alike.  It is perfectly OK to tell someone you don't want to play with them at the moment, as long as you're polite about it.   We need to stop telling our kids to include everyone and rephrase it to treat everyone with kindness.  There are people out there who are genuinely not good people and we should not force our children to be friends with those people.   Not everyone gets along, and that's OK, but we still need to be polite.  For the most part, my children do this.  They know I'm not going to be mad if they don't want to be friends with someone.  They also know that they have to at least try with someone because they may end up finding the person isn't that bad. 

Aside from that sort of thing, my kids have huge hearts.  The include others when no one else will.  They will stand up for those who can't stand up for themselves, even if it's against their friends.  They notice those around them and are polite.  They both hold doors open for others and offer to give up their seats places.  Somewhere along the line, those traits have gone by the wayside in most people.  Most people can't get take a moment to look around and notice others in need.  My kids stop, and actually take time with people.   The other day, we went somewhere and my kids listened, and I mean actually listened, to someone.  Not only did they listen to him, but they interacted in such a way that, judging by his reaction, most people don't.  When we left, the man had tears in his eyes and a huge smile on his face.  I'm not sure what was going on in his life, but my kids were just what he needed in that moment, and I couldn't be more proud of them!  

It costs nothing to be nice and only takes a few moments.  My children truly get this.  No matter how much of a hurry we are in, they are polite and kind.  Of course they have their moments, we all do, but I also know that a lot of parents question whether their kids are kind when they aren't around.  I don't.  Everyone who knows my kids and has been around them when I have not, tells me how kind and polite they are.   I'm proud of my kids and the people they are becoming.

Hey, you!  You over there who have kids in multiple sports year round.  I'm talking to you.  I see you.  I see that frazzled look in your eye.  I see the hunger for something other than sandwiches for dinner. I see the little glimmer of happiness, before the disappointment, when a game or meet gets cancelled.  I see you frantically trying to rearrange things when yet another game was rescheduled.  I see the miles and miles you put on your car just going back and forth between games, practices, and classes.  I see you sitting out and driving in the snow, rain and heat.  Dance moms, I'm talking to you, too, because anyone who has seen both the power and grace of a dancer knows it is most definitely a sport.

​I see how you never get a break from any of it.  One sport season leads right into the next.  There is no time off.  That one week where you may not have practices, games, classes, meets, etc, is golden.  I see how much you love that your kids love what they do, but I also see how it wears on you.   I see that there are some nights you and your partner only have about 30 minutes together and how you are both too tired to even talk to each other.  All you can do is sit in a pool of exhaustion on the couch and watch mindless television in silence.  

Whether you are a working parent or a stay at home parent, the logistics of getting kids where they need to be is tiring.  You cross your fingers and hope they have people on their teams or in their classes that you know so you can have help driving place to place.  You can't wait until they are old enough to take themselves to practices or classes, and part of you feels guilty for it.  You spend countless hours pitching a ball, kicking a ball, watching a routine, and running with your child for conditioning.  You spend countless dollars on gear needed for everything.  You do load after load of laundry to make sure uniforms and leotards are clean in time for the next round of what's to come.  You make sure you register for training camps the moment they are announced so your child doesn't get shut out.  You have to have your kids make tough choices about activities, because as much as you want them to experience everything they want, you can't be in 100 places at once.  You help them through the disappointment of not being able to be in theatre because it interferes with dance.

I see you cheering on your child from the stands or sidelines.  I see how excited you are for them when they nail that Jete or sore a touchdown.  I see how you comfort and encourage them when they strike out.  I feel your heartbreaking when you didn't get to see any of it because you had to be at work or with another child at another sport.  I know how much you want your child to know you are rooting for them.  It shows.  Believe it, me it shows.  

​Being a sport parent, you teach your kids so many lessons without them even knowing.  You teach them perseverance.  You teach them dedication.  You teach them decision making.  You teach them prioritizing.  Hopefully, you're teaching them good sportsmanship, but, being a sport parent, you see that a lot of parents seem to be missing that lesson (here's a little tip, if your kid is 10 and in rec softball for the first time ever, chances of her being her being the next Dot Richardson are slim, so calm the f down).  You teach your children it's more than scoring goals, making baskets, or crossing the finish line first.  You teach them it's about doing their own personal best and trying their hardest.  You teach them it's about being a team and you cheer for your teammates.  With your defense, it doesn't matter how good you are on offense.  You teach them are no small parts because everyone works together to complete the picture.  You teach them it is OK to be sad for a loss or messing up, but it's not OK to blame others for it.   You teach them to take responsibility.  You teach them that sometimes, life isn't fair.  Sometimes, they will get a bad call or sometimes they will get no call when it's clearly a foul.  You teach them they just have to keep going. 

​You teach them all these things because they see you, too.  They may not acknowledge it or even realize it, but they see you.  And, if you're teaching the right lessons, it's all worth it.  

There are days I can barely pull myself out of bed.  My anxiety makes it so some days are more of struggle than others to just hang in there.  Yet, every day, I get up.  Most days, I just go through the motions of life.  But I do it.  I get everyone fed, where they need to be, and chores accomplished.  Lather, rinse, repeat.  

I seem like a have it all together because my anxiety would take over if I didn't.  I have plan upon plan.  List upon list.  I am ultra organized.  The days I'm not as organized are the hardest.  The days I don't make a list, those are the days where I barely function.  Those are the days I can't breathe because I'm lost, alone with my anxiety telling me everything I do is wrong.  

I live with physical pain.  There are days that are so bad that my list and my planning fall apart because I physically can't do it.   People are aware I have physical limitations, but they don't know exactly how bad they are.  Most days, my pain is manageable, but it's always there.  Pain takes a toll on you mentally.  Every time there is something I can't do, the anxiety takes over and tells me I'm a complete failure at everything in life.  It tells me to quit trying because I will never be able to do anything.  

The truth isn't pretty.  That's why no one wants to ever hear it or believe it.  People pretend everything is great.  I pretend everything is great.  The difference is, I know that things will be OK.  I am a hell of a lot stronger than most people.  People who have never experienced these things would be debilitated.  I have lived with these truths for 20 years.  I do not use these as excuses.  In fact, there is something about anxiety and pain that makes it so you do the opposite.  You push yourself, sometimes past the breaking point, to prove they don't rule you, and then you pay for it later.  Every day, I fight.  There are some days I don't win, but I don't back down.  The truth hurts, but I refuse to give in.

Most articles written about parenting are written about younger children.  A few are written about teens.  Even less are written about those middle years.  I currently fall into the middle year category.  I've read a couple really good articles describing the loneliness of these years as a parent.  I have read articles about mom guilt, but mostly for younger ages.  There really isn't a lot out there describing how hard it is to parent these ages, trying to balance fun and responsibility. 

I've actually chatted with a couple of my friends about this.  For some reason, this summer is hard, emotionally, for me.  Part of it is I realize I only have 4 more summers with Monster.  Four.  And really, it's less than that when you factor in jobs and friends.   Part of me wants to let my kids whatever it is they want this summer, even if that means doing nothing other than playing video games.   Part of me wants to take them on all sorts of vacations because soon they will be too old to want to vacation with me.  Then there is the logical part of me that knows neither of those options work by themselves and I need to teach them responsibility. 

I almost feel like summer is when we shouldn't have any responsibilities.  But, then we have the problem of not having clean underwear or nothing to eat for dinner.  So, it becomes a guilt ridden balancing act.  We have to wash dishes.  We have to wash clothes.  We have to go grocery shopping.  We have to keep the house clean.  We have to mow the lawn.  My kids have to read and work on keeping their math skills sharp.  They get to swim (when it's not raining), play on the XBox, watch TV, play outside, sleep in late, go to bed late, hang out with friends.  They choose to play softball, go to karate, take art lessons, do dance, go to camps, and work at the library.  We do it all, yet, I still have guilt.  

It gets so overwhelming, and that's when the guilt sets in.  Should I wake them up early so we could do more?  Should I let them stay up later so we can do more?  Should I not have let them go to camp so they could have more downtime?  Should I make them do more math so they don't fall behind?  Should I make them do more chores so they take more responsibility?  Should we go on more vacations so they have more experiences?  Should they do no chores so they have more time to just be kids?  Did I remember to appreciate every single second of my time with them?  Did what we did today make memories for them and if not, was it a wasted day?   I know that a lot of this comes from my anxiety, but, talking to moms without anxiety, most feel a little like this, too.  

When our kids are little, we just try to make it through.  We try to keep up.  We feel like we have so much time.  Someone posted how many weekends, from birth to 18, we have with our children.  When you look at it like that, we have such little time.  I know that when our children get older, we still do things with them and we have a different kind of connection.  I understand it, but I'm not ready for it.   Each day, I will continue to do my best to balance it all out.  

A little bit ago, I posted to my Facebook page, "You are doing your children a great injustice by doing everything for them".  I got a lot of likes and a couple comments.  Some people said they are trying to do this more with their children.  One of my friend's comments really hit home though.  This is what she said,
               The only thing my kids don't do is separate and run the laundry.  They bring their clothes downstairs,
               dry it, fold it and put it away.  Been cooking since they could sit up..had the girl cutting cucumbers and 
               washing fruit so young I'm embarrassed to say.  Bathrooms for years.  I them no help = no fun for them.
               When the chores are done we hit the road and make great summer memories.  Plus I hope they keep 
               things cleaner if they know they will be wiping up that toothpaste glob!

This is what I strive for.  My kids have also been chopping veggies since they could hold the knife.  They can cook entire meals by themselves.  Of course they still need help with certain things, but for the most part, they can do everything on their own.  Sunshine has been baking on her own for over the past year.  All I do is put things in and take them out  of the oven.    When Monster was 8, he cooked an entire meal, down to the dessert, on his own.  True, he used the crockpot, but it still counts since he had to do all the prep work on his own.  I still pack my children's lunches because that's fun for me, but they are perfectly capable of doing it on their own.  In fact, I don't make lunches in the summer or on weekends.  They are responsible for their own lunches.  The best part of that is, they make healthy choices.  A lot of the time, people are scared of letting their children take control because of the choices their children will make, but that's why we need to teach them before just letting them go off and do something.  You aren't going to just drop your baby in water and hope they learn to swim.  You teach them.  

Cleaning is where our family struggles.  I am not a neat freak.  I've written about this before, I have organized chaos.  However, my house is CLEAN.  Like you can eat off the floor (most days, maybe not yet today).  So, clean is something I have a difficult time giving up control of.  There is a lot of, "Here, just let me do it", on my part.  Over the past year, I've gotten much better at this.  I realized I was doing way too much when my then 11 year old stated, "I don't know how to clean the table" and proceeded to do the worst job you have ever seen.  If you can't use a spray bottle and paper towel and wipe down a table, there's a problem.  Part of the problem was that I never made him do it.  Another part of the problem was he never wanted to do it.  Sunshine was always the one who wanted to help.   Since Sunshine would always help out, we didn't really need Monster to do it.  

In the past year, I've taken a huge step back and have put more responsibility on the kids.  Know what?  They stepped up.  Now, my kids won't just clean for the fun of it, unless it's their rooms, but they are much better about keeping things clean and doing what I ask.  They clean the bathroom, toilets included, vacuum, mop, and dust.  They don't do windows, but neither do I (but I did just buy a Norwex window cloth, so maybe that will change?).   They take their dirty clothes downstairs, take clothes out of the dryer, fold their clothes, and put them away.  We still have top loading washer, so Sunshine can't reach to take clothes out, but Monster can and does.  My kids are capable of doing pretty much everything now between the two of them.

Part of teaching them do to things on their own is also teaching them accountability.  I can't tell you the number of times I pick my daughter up from school and hear her classmates say, "My mom didn't pack me a snack" or "My mom forgot my water bottle".  No children, you are all old enough to get your own damn stuff ready for school.   My kids may still sometimes slip up and say "Mom didn't" whatever, but we immediately put it back on them.  For camp this summer, Sunshine forgot a water bottle one day.  She didn't come home saying, "You forgot to pack me one", she came home saying, "I forgot a water bottle today".  Know what she did the next day?  She made sure she had a water bottle.  Last night, we had a softball game.  Sunshine's jersey was dirty.  She knew it was because she didn't take her laundry downstairs, not because Mommy didn't do the laundry.  Too often I hear mom's apologizing to their kids when their kids blame them for stuff they should have taken responsibility for.  "You packed a snack I didn't like."  "Oh, I'm so sorry.  What would you like instead?".  If you don't like the snack, pack it yourself.  They need to learn they are perfectly capable of taking care of those kind of needs.


The biggest problem I have is that my kids don't see the mess.  They honestly don't.  Trash is overflowing and they just put more in, causing it to fall out into the cabinet.  Their hampers smell so badly that their entire rooms stink.  They put things in the middle of the floor, seriously, like dead center where we walk, and this includes their expensive phones that can be destroyed if stepped on.  Dry dishes sit in the dish rack and no one puts them away.  Dirty dishes sit on the counter, next to the dishwasher.   Recycling sits on the counter waiting to go the 5 steps to the garage.  Toothpaste globs build up in the sinks.  When I specifically point all this out, they will get to work, but they won't touch it until I ask.  I refuse to do all of the work, but sometimes, it's more frustrating to keep asking them to do these things than it is to just do it all myself.  I feel as though this may be the problem most parents have and that's why a lot of kids can't do anything of their own.  It is frustrating when you need to always be the one saying, "Do this, do that".  It's just easier to do it yourself.  In our house, Husband and I have been making a real effort to point out all of the things that need done in hopes the kids start to "see" it.  Both kids have their strong points and both have their helpful and not helpful moments.  The main thing I must remember is that, even if they don't "see" it now, they know how to do pretty much everything.  As soon as Sunshine gets tall enough, she's going to start lawn mowing (because don't get me started on my rant of how so many grown women can't mow their lawns, my mom included).  As soon as I'm confident my children can sort clothes to my exact specifications, which they may never learn because, after 24 years, Husband still can't do it right, and if they ruin their own clothes it's not as bad as them ruining mine,  they will wash clothes.  

Even though it seems impossible and they may do not it how you would, you have to let kids do things on their own.  If you don't, you'll be raising adults who don't know how to mow a lawn and blaming other people for everything that goes wrong in their lives.

I found this article, and it really struck a chord.  "Intrinsic goals are those that have to do with one's own development as a person—such as becoming competent in endeavors of one's choosing and developing a meaningful philosophy of life. Extrinsic goals, on the other hand, are those that have to do with material rewards and other people's judgments. They include goals of high income, status, and good looks."

I am so thankful that we discuss this in our home. We talk about it doesn't matter if your make-up is perfect or how many followers you have on social media. We talk about being a good person and doing what you love. Of course it's important to be financially stable, and we discuss that, but it has to balance out. If all you're worried about is how you look to others, then that's all your kids will worry about. If you only focus on yourself, but don't show them how to be themselves, they will think they always need the approval from others to validate themselves.  So thankful my kids still PLAY. They use their imaginations. My children CREATE. They don't need to be taking pictures of themselves or checking social media. They are secure in themselves without the approval of their "followers".  They do what they love, not to gain approval, but because it makes them happy.