Originally, I was thinking of titling this "Stepping Back"  or "Stepping Away", but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that what I'm talking about is more of taking a step sideways, at least for us.  For some people, what I'm going to say is more about  taking a step back or away, and that's OK, too.

Over the precious 16 days of Winter Break, I had a light bulb moment.  We all have a vision in our heads of what should be, what our life should look like.  We work to achieve that vision.  What we don't always see is how that vision is actually hurting the bigger picture.  There comes a point where we just have to say, "Enough".  I've done it in my personal life.  I have moved away from toxic people.  I have taken breaks from people who make me feel bad.  I have stopped doing things I don't enjoy just because I thought they were expected of me.  I've said no to things that weren't making me happy.  Yet, for my family, I still had a vision and kept forcing certain things on everyone to create that perfect vision.   After the light bulb, I'm done with that.  

Our family has never fit into a certain picture.  We are all very independent.  We are very active.  We are a unit.  We have expectations.  I see how people don't understand us.  I guess we don't fit into others' visions.  And I finally see that's alright.  What that means is that I'm taking a step.  It's a sideways step.  I'm looking at the situation from a different angle.  For the first time, over break, I really saw what me trying to fit us all into a perfect vision was doing to each family member.  The moment I let it go and looked at things from a different angle,  everyone was happier.  We made choices that we good for all of us, the four of us, instead of other people.   

After that moment, I stated to take a step in other areas of my life.  By taking a step sideways, I can better see if I need to take a step back, or forward, or away, or maybe step back on the same path.  It's amazing the things you can see when you just look at it from a different way.  There are definitely things I am stepping away from, but there are also things I'm going towards.  Every journey starts with a step.  It doesn't matter which direction that step is, as long as you are on the path you want to take.  If you aren't, step in a different direction.  Some steps are easier than others.  Sometimes we take baby steps.  Sometimes we leap.  What I learned is that sometimes it's important to everyone around you that you take a step to look and make sure you're on the path you want to be on and helping those important to you on the path they want to be on.  

A few weeks back, I came across this article.  Now, the article is actually over a year old, but it's still spot on.   For those of you too impatient to click on the article and read it, I'll summarize it for you.  The title is, "Reasons Today's Kids are Bored, Impatient with Few Real Friends".  The main reasons, as stated in the article are technology, lack of delayed gratification, kids ruling the world, endless fun, and lack of social interaction.   

As everyone who knows me and if you have ever read any of my posts, you will know that technology is a subject I'm very adamant about.  It's no surprise that I 100% agree with the article.  The over use of technology is causing today's youth to be bored.  Kids do not know how to play anymore.  So, when your child finds friends who actually play, it's an amazing gift.  Sunshine spent 7 hours today with friends.  Not once did any of them get on their phones.  How do I know?  None of these girls have phones.  They didn't watch YouTube videos.  They didn't take a million pictures.  In fact, no one picture of taken to document their activities.  Yet, these girls had non-stop fun.  They were all bummed that they only got 7 hours to play.  In this day, when a group of four, 10-11 year old girls can just play with zero electronics, it's rare and very special.  Sunshine is very lucky.  The majority of her friends have great imaginations.  They don't get bored.  They can always figure out things to do.  We have raised our kids to not be bored.   They know if they say they are bored, we will give them something to do, and it won't be near as fun as something they can figure out to do on their own.  Winter is always a little harder because of the weather.  We tend to watch more TV and play more video games.  However, we do it as a family.  Sunshine and I have special shows that we watch together.  Monster and Husband have video games they like to play together.  The kids have time to play on their computers or play video games together, too, but it's very limited.  In the summer, there are days that the television or computers don't even get turned on.  If kids rely on electronics to entertain them, they will never understand how to entertain themselves.   

The second point of the article is that kids aren't used to delayed gratification.   Actually, that the article says is that, "kids get everything they want when they want it."  In the education and psychology world, it's called delayed gratification.  Parent give kids everything they want when they want it.  Kids are hungry, they get a snack.  Kids see something they want at the store, they get it.  We are rarely those parents.  At our house, you hear a lot of, "You can't have a snack right now because we're having dinner soon".  Kids want something at the store, of course it depends on what it is or what time of year it is.  October through December, our kids hear, "Christmas is coming, so write it down".  Two months before birthdays, same thing.   My kids rarely ask for things.  They earn things through their hard work, not because they just want it.

The third point the article makes, I call making excuses for not wanting to parent.  Let me say, I will 100% say, "[Sunshine] won't eat that."  However, I also let people know that they don't need to change their menu and she'll be fine.  She will eat what she doesn't like.  Why?  Because we're not going to change how we eat just because she likes very little.  Of course we try to make things she'll like, but she is also expected to eat many things she does not like.  Neither child enjoys waking up and getting ready for school, yet, we've never once been late because my kids wouldn't put their shoes on.  Getting ready for school is not a choice.  I hear, "My child just didn't want to wake up", as an excuse for being late.  Who is the parent?  Stop making excuses for you not wanting to parent.  Now, there is a difference between letting your child learn and making excuses.  Usually, if a parent doesn't allow their child to rule them, it takes all of once, tops twice, for a child to learn.  You don't want to get ready for school, OK, you can go in your pajamas.  You don't feel like making your lunch.?  OK, be hungry.  You don't want to eat what we have?  OK, you can be hungry.  It's when a parent is constantly making excuses for why or why not their child does something is when there's a problem.  Children actually want boundaries and clear rules/consequences.  Many studies have proven this, yet, parents don't want to be inconvenienced by enforcing those rules, so they make excuses instead.

The fourth point of the article is one I actually just wrote about a bit ago, endless fun.  Stop entertaining your children.  It is not your job.  Make your children help you "boring" tasks because most of real life is a series of boring tasks.  Just because your child doesn't want to help, doesn't mean they shouldn't help.  My mom actually made a comment to me on how impressed she was with all my children did to help out when we were over their house.  My kids did nothing.  By nothing, I mean, my kids ran to get things I told them to get.  My mom thought them fetching things for us was a huge deal.  I expect it.  I tell them to do something, and they do it.  They do it because I am the parent.   They don't get to pick and choose things they want to help out with.  If someone needs help, they help.  It is that simple.   in life, they can't just not do something because they find it boring or don't like it.  Cleaning the toilet isn't a fun task, yet imagine if no one ever cleaned the toilet.  Gross, right?  Sometimes tasks are unpleasant or boring, but children need to learn to work through it.

The last point the article makes is limited social interaction.  Now, I know people are thinking their kids are in so many activities and so busy, they get plenty of social interaction.  The truth is, that kind of interaction is different.   When my daughter is at dance, she is not using the same skills she would be using if she were just "hanging out" with those same kids.  When kids are at soccer practice, they are focusing on the task at hand as opposed to social skills.  This then loops back to technology.  Kids have trouble with face to face interaction because they are used to digital interaction.  Kids who play have better social skills and manners than kids who play on their phones while with their peers.  

I don't know how many more articles need to be written or how much more research has to prove that things need to change if we want to raise children who are well rounded.  Under no circumstances am I saying I'm doing it right.  I am right there struggling with others.  However, I take research to heart and I make decisions based on what is best for my children, even if that means I may have to be slightly inconvenienced at times.  My goal is to raise children who aren't assholes.  From what people say, I'm doing a pretty good job so far, so I'm just going to keep trying and keep learning.  

​

This is the season for being thankful for all that we have.  Yet, we are actually raising a society of ungrateful humans.  Do you know why most adults find more things to be thankful for than children?  Part of it is life experience, but it's mostly because most adults do not have everything handed to them.  Most adults have to work for what they have.  Kids learn to be grateful for what they have when you stop giving them every they want.  

As parents, we always want our children to have more than we did.   Somewhere, though, there is a line and that line isn't always clear.  There is a lot of trial and error.  We just need to remember to look for it and learn where that line is for our own children.  Each child is different.  Each child reacts in a different way.   In our own house, thing are different for each child because they each need to learn different lessons.  

During this time of year, especially, I look around and see how much our society has changed.  Children's Christmas lists are getting longer and more detailed.  Let's not forget the name brands.  I know my children are getting older and this just happens, but I'm also talking about younger children.  When these kids don't get exactly what they wanted, they get angry.  There's a difference between being disappointed and being angry.  We all get disappointed with things, but being angry for not getting everything thing you want, exactly how you want it, is different.  That's called feeling entitled.  At some point, parents need to let kids not get what they want.  Kids who learn to deal with disappointment earlier in life are more well-adjusted than children who don't start to deal with it until teen years or adulthood.  There is actually research to prove this.  I know people who are used to getting everything handed to them and their children are exactly the same.  Then, the moment they don't get what they want, they can't understand why the world is against them.  They tell their children, not that things in this life have to be earned, but rather there are biases out there and they should be getting what they want.  Honey, this is how the world works.  It does not revolve around you.  Just because you don't get your way doesn't mean someone is out for you.   You can work hard and still not get everything your heart desires.  That is just a fact of life.  Most people are shielding their kids from this.

When you start trying to make sure your kids get every last thing they desire, you tend to forget about the basics.  Kids want time.  They will not remember the Christmas they got the Hydro Flask, but they will remember time spent with you. They will remember the traditions you share.  They will learn important life lessons through interactions. We can go even further, kids don't learn a sport through their participation trophy.  They learn it by getting out there and doing it. 

When trying to raise kids who are not entitled, it's difficult to explain why some people get it all.  For Husband and myself, we find that the best way to explain it is the hard truth.  Life isn't going to just hand you something, you need to earn it.  My kids rarely get bored.  My kids rarely feel like they are entitled to something.  My kids work hard for what they have.  At the same time, my kids want for very little.  They are happy with what they do have.  They look for ways to get the things they want or they look for alternatives for things they know they can't get.  For example, Sunshine just paid for 1/3 of an additional dance class with her own money.  Technically, I guess, it would be 2/3 because she took the money Nana gave her for Christmas and said she wanted that to use for dance, as well.  On top of that, she is looking at alternatives to Hydro Flasks.  She's been find ones that look just as cool and keep the water cold for just as long, because, let's face it, wasn't that the original point of Hydro Flasks before they became a VSCO girl's wet dream?  

Society, as a whole, needs to get their act together.  Everyone is complaining about the entitlement that those 25 and under are feeling, but no one wants to change their behaviors to stop this.  Giving in to your kids every wish is so much easier than actually being a parent and putting your foot down.  Having your kid "happy" is so much easier than teaching them how to deal with disappointment.  The thing about buying happiness is that it never stops.  You can buy, and buy, and buy, but, true happiness can't be bought.   Stop giving your kids everything.  They are much prouder of what they have when they accomplish/get it on their own.  

My daughter has had the same best friend for over a decade.  I'm not just talking about friends who have known each other since birth.  I'm talking a true best friend.  These two are always there for each other, even though they no longer live 5 minutes apart.  I hope they each realize how fortunate they are and I hope their friendship continues to grow!

Yes, I know people are sick of hearing about anxiety.  "Just relax".  "Stop worrying so much".  Well, sorry to tell you, anxiety isn't like that.  You can't just flip a switch.  Each time I read an article about anxiety, I can't understand why people without anxiety don't understand these things.   The specific one for post is people not caring what you say and being annoyed with you for saying things.  I know there is at least one person out there reading this saying, "Yes, exactly".  

I've been trying to write for weeks.  I literally have seven drafts of posts started on a myriad of subjects.  Yet, I get part way through and my anxiety creeps up and tells me, "No one cares".  It tells me, "Your thoughts and words are not important".    Then, like all things with anxiety, it spirals.  "People think you're stupid".  "People find your posts annoying".  "You don't matter".  That last one, it's repeated, over and over until I feel it in my core.  Now, I know for a fact, I have a few awesome friends who will read this and immediately text me that I matter, and I appreciate you and how you are always there, but, my anxiety is stronger than your words.  

Let me be honest, I stopped writing at that last sentence.  I stopped and I looked at this and thought, "Why am I bothering?".  You see, the answer is, "to fight through it".  Anyone with anxiety understands this fight.  We fight it every second of every day.  There are very few things we just "let go" or "get over".  We fight.  All of the things anxiety does is like an undertow pulling us down.  Sometimes, we don't have the ability to fight it right when it happens, we get pulled down, sometimes so deep we think we'll never get back to the surface.  But we do.  Imagine being in the ocean and never being able to take a minute to float because something is always grabbing at you.  Imagine always struggling to just tread water.  How tiring must that be?  That's living with anxiety.  That's not worry.  That's not being anxious.  All people have a moment or two like that during their day or week.  Anxiety is struggling with moments like this from waking up until falling asleep. 

This post is my fight.  It is struggle to get back to the surface and get through this moment of this day.  It's my struggle to keep writing.  I write for me and my kids.  I write for them so they can better understand me when they are older.  I won't let anxiety stop me from leaving something for my kids to look back on when they are grown.   I know today, like each and every day, is going to be filled with more moments than I can count of fighting to get to the surface.  I'll manage to get my head above water for every one of those fights.  Because people with anxiety are some of the strongest people you will ever meet.  And we all matter.  

People seem to have forgotten what the holidays are actually about.  I could go further and say people have forgotten about how to just be decent people, but I'll focus on this time of year.  This is the time of year people are supposed to be giving thanks for all they have.  People should be acting especially kind to show gratitude for each other.  Some of us try to practice this each day, regardless of season, but this time of year, you expect to see people being kinder.  I guess all of that goes out the window when you need to go holiday shopping.  

​This season on holiday shopping has probably been the worst I've ever seen, and it's not even past Thanksgiving yet!  At one store I was at, I pulled into the parking lot and had to wait while someone waited to for another person to pull out of a space so they could park there.  No big deal.  However, after patiently waiting, a car, going the wrong way down the aisle zipped into the parking space before the person, who had been letting the other person out and waiting their turn, got to pull in.   I go down a few more aisles and I witness the same thing.  A car, going the wrong way, takes a spot someone else had been patiently waiting for.  Happy holidays, Jerks.  This is yet another reason I tend to park as far away as possible! 

I should have realized that people were going to be grouchy just by the parking lot, but it only got worse.  People in the store were just as bad.  I tend to pull my cart to the side to let people get around me in an aisle when I'm grabbing something.  I feel as though most people do this.  On this particular day, however, people apparently didn't get the memo to be polite.  People would just stop in the middle of main aisles, two wide and talk.  People would leave their carts wherever they felt like so other people would have to struggle to get around them. 

Then there was the general attitude.   When I would say, "Excuse me", to someone to get by, they would look at me like I just killed their cat.  How dare I ask them to move out of my way.  They are obviously way more important than me.  Now, not everyone in the store was like this.  Every time I got shopping there are always a few people who are grouchy, but this was a whole new level.  I thought the holiday season was supposed to bring out the good in people, but I guess I was wrong.  

Over the past few years, I've noticed a decline in the holiday spirit.  I've noticed people more on edge during the holiday season as opposed to being thankful and joyful as the holidays suggest.   I know that in our house, things are insane during the holidays.  I seems as though December is just a quick blink.  Yet the craziness never gives people an excuse to be rude.  We are all in a hurry.  We all have things to do.  When we are polite and watch out for each other, it makes the insanity of it all a little more tolerable.  

So, over the next few weeks of this season, I will make it my goal to bring a little cheer into other's lives.  I will continue to be polite and I will be more patient.  Most importantly, I will point these things our to my children so they can learn by example.

***Updated 1/3:  The weekend before Christmas, our family was in Florida shopping.  People were exceptionally rude.  I told my kids to watch people's reactions to when you are polite, even if they are grouchy.  We started doing little things, such as not walking out in front of cars when trying to cross the parking lot.  Seems simple, right?  Apparently not.   What my kids noticed was that cars were more willing to stop and let us cross than they were for people who didn't look and just walked.  The noticed people smile at us when we said, "Thank you".  At one store, the cashier was just trying to get through her day.  You could tell she wanted no interaction and was just counting down the minutes until she left.  I smiled, told her thank you, and Merry Christmas.  She honestly looked shocked.  Like I was the first person all day to say something kind.  She let out a half grunt of "You, too", but it was obvious she was just stunned.  We would hold the door open for someone and they would smile.  These were the things my kids noticed.  These were the things they pointed out and picked up on.  When people around you are in a bad mood, it tends to put you in a bad mood.  When people around you are polite, it tends to make you more polite.  Above all, be kind.***

It's been one year, my sweet Puppy.  I miss you every day.  Girl misses you ,too.  Without you, she has no one to look to for guidance.  She's not OK being the Alpha.  Your brother thinks about you every day.  He misses you something terrible.  Your sister misses snuggling and reading you books.   Time does not make it easier.  We have settled into a new normal, but that doesn't mean we have forgotten you or don't miss you.  I hope you're happy and no longer in pain.  I love you my sweet, Puppy. 
 

​Most of you do not know my son. I mean really know him. Those people who do know him will not be surprised by what I'm going to say.

This past weekend, he helped out a neighbor with her dog. He's happy to do it. She wanted to pay him for the help. He really did not want payment. So, as a compromise, he asked her to make a donation to the Leukemia/Lymphoma society in his uncle's name. I'm not writing this so everyone can say how great that is, blah, blah, blah. I'm writing it because this is who my kid is. It's who he's always been.

While others of you saw him getting in trouble at school (which was for reading, but no one took the time to see that), he was asking for donations to the Children's Center for his birthdays. While some of you were telling your new neighbors we were an odd family, he was gathering goods for the local food pantry. While some of you were judging him on the fact that he is quiet and not extremely social, he was donating the money he earned working to help endangered species.

​Those of you who could never see past the outside, you missed out. The thing is, he actually has the biggest, and most forgiving heart. He will give you another chance, because that's who he is.

This past week, the 8th graders at my son's school went to Washington DC.  My son did not.  He's known since 6th grade that he didn't want to go.  I have taken a lot of crap from people about him not going.  "He's going to miss out."  These people don't know my kid.  Let me tell you, he's not missing out on anything.  

Ever since Monster was tiny, he's always been the kid who can get along with anyone.  You can put him with people, and he's perfectly capable of interacting.  He has never been the kid who forms a lot of close friendships.  The close friendships he does build are with those that he feels truly comfortable with.  He's definitely not my social child, yet, he's very sociable.  Why does any of this matter?  Because the 8th grade DC trip is really just a social event.  A social event that my child had no interest in going to.  

I don't know if any of you remember your trips to DC, or, in my case, Toronto.  Everyone I've talked to doesn't remember these trips.  They can't tell you anything they learned.  They remember the social stuff.  From our trip, I remember the boys ordering pay- per- view porn and we went to see Phantom of the Opera.  That's it.  I remember nothing else.  I can't even tell you who my roommates were and we only had 14 people in our entire group.   Husband can't tell you one thing he learned from his trip.  Other people have vague recollections of seeing certain things, but nothing stuck.  So, tell me again how my son is missing out?  

My son wants to learn.  That's the difference between him and most everyone else.  He's known from the start that this was just a social trip, disguised as a learning experience.  When he first heard about the trip, he already stated that he would rather go with his family so that he could see what he wanted instead of what other people wanted him to see.  As an alternate trip, the kids who did not go to DC went to the Museum of Natural History, the Western Reserve Historical Society, and All Fired Up.  My son loves the Museum of Natural History.  Even better, they got to do the planetarium, which is one thing he's not been able to do while he's been there in the past.  He came home raving about it.  And, he was also social.  He hung out with kids that he knows from classes but isn't really friends with.  He got to have conversations with kids he normally wouldn't due to different social groups.  The alternate trip took the social groups away and tossed people together.  So how is he missing out?  He's learning things and learning how to get along with people outside of his usual group of friends.  

Did the DC kids have fun?  Of course.  A lot of them had a great time.  Was it a better time than what my kid had?  No.  It was just different.  Will he ever get to see Washington DC?  He will.  On his terms.  He'll get to see what he wants and take as much time as he wants.  There is a great program for high schoolers  to go to DC and actually learn about the government.  They get to sit in on a session of Congress (if in session while there).  They have classes in the evenings about political topics.  They aren't just with their friends, but with people from all over the country.   If he doesn't take part in a program like this, it's OK, too.  I know that he's not missing out on anything.  I know that one day, he'll get to the Smithsonian (that's really all he wants to go see). 

Monster didn't miss out.  Maybe it was the opposite way around.  Maybe all those other kids missed out.  Maybe they missed out on getting to know others outside of their social groups.  Maybe they missed out on opportunities to learn how to get along with people they are thrown with.   Just don't go making an assumption that someone is missing out on something when it's something they truly don't even want to do.  

​

We are in the stage of life where this is our last elementary school year.   Over the years, I have watched nine Donuts with Dads go by.  Over the years, people have complained and the "name" has changed.   It's changed to include dads, grandpas, uncles, pretty much anyone male in your life.  Let me be clear, it has always included these people before the name change as well.  I get it.  Single moms feel bad for their kids and don't want their children to feel like they are left out because they don't have a dad (though the single moms I know don't really care about the "name" of an event).  But, name gets changed to include everyone and no one feels bad. 

Here's where you hand me my soapbox.  In 9 years of elementary school, my children have never attended.  Why?  Because my husband works and we have no one else.  Could I go?  Sure, but it's not the same.  Guess what?  Life isn't fair.  Some people's parents have to work.  Some people's dads are deadbeats.  Some people's father's have passed away.  The thing is, you need to get through it and deal with your feelings. They are also changing the name of the Father-Daughter Dance to "Me and My Guy".  Here's where I could get offended by this.  In years past, there have been a few close calls where my husband almost didn't make it from work.  I had already lined up other friends' dads for Sunshine to go with.  Changing the name to "Me and My Guy" puts more possession on the "date".   Going with someone else's dad is hard enough, but then calling him "my guy", makes it even worse.  Then let's add to it that the rules clearly state that the "my guy" has to be over 18.  So, that means if something were to happen, Monster couldn't even take Sunshine to the dance.  What I'm getting at is that no matter what it is, you will always find someisn't happy with 

one who ​My brother-in-law passed away this summer leaving his two girls behind.  They will not get a father-daughter dance at their wedding.  Their father will not walk them down the aisle.  It is a fact they have to live with.  Do we demand the entire system change and have it no longer be tradition that the father of the bride walks them down the aisle?  No.  Because people overcome it.  Does it suck?  100%, but people do it every day.  

To make a fuss about the wording of events is just making the coming generations not have to deal with their emotions or feelings.  The truth of the matter is, we can't shield our children from everything.  Life happens and we have to teach our children how to cope.  Changing the title of "Donuts with Dads" doesn't make kids feel any better if they don't have a dad present.  They live every day knowing their dad isn't there.  The name doesn't "make it hurt a little less".  Kids aren't stupid.  They look around and they see all of the dads there.   The thing is, if you've taught them good coping mechanisms, they can look around at all the dads there, be sad, but still be thankful they are there with their uncle, grandpa, neighbor, etc.