This is my kitchen counter. Please note the Hershey kisses that look like Santa hats. It's the end of February. We've had these since the beginning of December. Now note the tomatoes. I can't even tell you the amount of tomatoes we've gone through since the beginning of December.
I tell people that my kids rarely eat candy and they think I'm nuts, or I'm lying. Well, here's the proof. If it's on the counter, they can help themselves. They don't even think about the chocolate. They go for the tomatoes every time.
Anxiety and Depression are best friends. For a lot of us, they go hand in hand. Sometimes the depression triggers the anxiety, but, for me, the anxiety usually triggers the depression. And it all revolves around failure. My failure as a parent, as a wife, as a friend, and just as a person in general. The title of this is the feeling of failure anxiety brings, but maybe it's the opposite way. Maybe it's the failure that brings the anxiety.
I've had a very tough few months. There has been nothing in my life that I've felt good about for way too long. Maybe it's that Sunshine is having trouble in school and I can't fix it. Maybe it's that Monster is growing up and doesn't need me as much. Maybe it's that Husband has a job he doesn't hate, but is not completely comfortable in. Maybe it's all of it or maybe it's none of it. Whatever it happens to be, my anxiety is in full swing and I feel like I failure in every aspect of my life.
When my anxiety gets out of control, my life gets out of control. Getting out of bed every day is a struggle. It's not just because I'm tired or lazy, it's because I'm exhausted to my core. Part of my brain keeps telling me that I can't do it and the other part tells me it doesn't matter and I need to do it. So, each day, I drag myself out of bed dreading what lies ahead of me. I'm a list person, as I've stated in the past. I have a list for everything. Lately, the chaos in my head has made it difficult for me to even make a list. I look around and i really don't even know what I have to do. I feel like there is too much and I'm just drowning. Then, I accomplish what I feel to be nothing, and the feelings of failure pop back up and the awful cycle continues.
I can honestly say that I've never had a period that has lasted this long of non-stop anxiety. People who know me, can see it. I have an amazing friend who offered to come over and sort paperwork with me because I told her I felt like paper was consuming me. I have another friend, who dropped everything she was doing and came to help me find something I was missing because I was having a full on panic attack about it. I just can't get it together. The more I can't get it together, the more my anxiety kicks in, the more I feel like a failure.
I'll admit it, I'm completely jealous of people who have help. I do it all on my own. Yes, Husband helps, but he can't always be around. But then, there's that Catch 22 because needed help, makes me feel like a failure. I look around and think why can't I do this all on my own? The truth of the matter is, I do it all on my own, I'm just tired of it. I need a break. I can count on one had the amount of breaks I've gotten in 11 years. I love being a mom and a wife, but I'm no longer good at it. I'm completely burnt out and failing. Then you throw the anxiety into the mix and it says that nothing will be OK, ever. My anxiety tells me that I should give up because I will never be good enough. My anxiety tells me that I will continue to fail. Then the depression takes over and tells me I shouldn't even bother trying. My depression tells me to just stay in bed. It's a horrible cycle. Worse yet, I can see the cycle, but can't seem to stop it. But, seeing the cycle makes me push through, so that's something. At least I wake up every day and continue. I'm not really moving forward, but I'm not moving backwards either.
Things will not change, so I need to figure out how to work through this all on my own. I will never have a husband with a job with normal hours. I will never have people around to help me with my kids. There will be a time where my children don't need me as much, but that will bring on a whole new bought of anxiety and depression, so I'm not going to think about that for now. I will keep making it through because that's what I do. I will show up for my kids because they are what's important.