I've been trying to write for weeks. I literally have seven drafts of posts started on a myriad of subjects. Yet, I get part way through and my anxiety creeps up and tells me, "No one cares". It tells me, "Your thoughts and words are not important". Then, like all things with anxiety, it spirals. "People think you're stupid". "People find your posts annoying". "You don't matter". That last one, it's repeated, over and over until I feel it in my core. Now, I know for a fact, I have a few awesome friends who will read this and immediately text me that I matter, and I appreciate you and how you are always there, but, my anxiety is stronger than your words.
Let me be honest, I stopped writing at that last sentence. I stopped and I looked at this and thought, "Why am I bothering?". You see, the answer is, "to fight through it". Anyone with anxiety understands this fight. We fight it every second of every day. There are very few things we just "let go" or "get over". We fight. All of the things anxiety does is like an undertow pulling us down. Sometimes, we don't have the ability to fight it right when it happens, we get pulled down, sometimes so deep we think we'll never get back to the surface. But we do. Imagine being in the ocean and never being able to take a minute to float because something is always grabbing at you. Imagine always struggling to just tread water. How tiring must that be? That's living with anxiety. That's not worry. That's not being anxious. All people have a moment or two like that during their day or week. Anxiety is struggling with moments like this from waking up until falling asleep.
This post is my fight. It is struggle to get back to the surface and get through this moment of this day. It's my struggle to keep writing. I write for me and my kids. I write for them so they can better understand me when they are older. I won't let anxiety stop me from leaving something for my kids to look back on when they are grown. I know today, like each and every day, is going to be filled with more moments than I can count of fighting to get to the surface. I'll manage to get my head above water for every one of those fights. Because people with anxiety are some of the strongest people you will ever meet. And we all matter.