My daughter had tennis camp for two weeks. Last week it was Tuesday-Thursday. I thought this week was also Tuesday-Thursday. I was wrong. It was Monday-Wednesday and I missed Monday. There are no words to describe how mad I am at myself. How disappointed I am that I let something fall through the cracks. How frustrated I am that I wasted a beautiful day and money. Most people would get annoyed with themselves and move on. I can’t.
All my mistakes are like this. I forgot something at the grocery store. I’m the stupidest person in the world. I left something at home. I’m the worst, most irresponsible person ever. Each mistake makes my anxiety take a little tighter hold. I check and double check grocery lists. Before I go anywhere, I triple check that I have everything I need. After this, I will start triple checking dates and go back over them daily while the event is happening. I know this because I already have that as a plan. When I make mistakes, not only can I not let them go, but I need to have a plan to correct them so they aren’t made again.
Yet, even with a million things in place, mistakes still happen. No matter how I feel about my own mistakes, I remind my kids that everyone mistakes and we have to learn from them. I remind them that mistakes are made every day. I remind them that mistakes don’t equal failure. I’m terrified they don’t believe me since every mistake I make I feel like a failure. We are definitely tough on our kids about some things, which makes me even more worried that when they make a mistake, they will feel as if they are failing. There is a fine line of correcting mistakes and shaming one for the mistake. But sometimes that line can get blurry.
How can you make your kids not feel like they are failing when they keep making the same mistake over and over and you feel as though they just aren’t learning from their mistakes? There comes a point where you need to learn to correct a behavior. Maybe feeling like a failure helps correct that behavior. I don’t know since I have unhealthy coping mechanisms. There are so many things that I think I’ve done a great job of not taking my insecurities out on my kids. When it comes to mistakes, I think I’ve ruined them. I want to be the person they come to when they make a mistake, not the person they hide that mistake from.
Each day, each mistake, I try a little harder to not do to them what I do to myself. Maybe, one day, I’ll start forgiving myself for not being perfect. Today isn’t that day, though. Today, I’m going to be mad at myself for screwing up tennis camp.