When there is so much to do, and I’m the only one who seems to be bothered by it, my anxiety comes out in the form of anger. It also comes out in the form of depression. I get angry at everyone around me for the lack of help. Then, I get angry and depressed when they ask me what they need to do. This is because I’m overwhelmed. There is so much to do that me having to tell people what to do is just one more task on my list. When I do this, I then get, “Where does this go?”, “This doesn’t fit here”, “What should I do with this?”, and I shut down. I get depressed and can barely get out of bed. Know what happens then? Nothing. I wake up and there is still the list of everything that needs to be done.
People wonder why I’m so stressed out after we go on vacation. This is why. The sheer chaos of it all. The amount of work that it left for me to deal with. It bothers me having to do all the work, but I do it. What bothers me more is the chaos that no one else seems to see. I literally shut down when there is too much to do. I can make list after list, but it wouldn’t matter. I see dishes next to the sink. I see laundry that is overflowing. I see decorations that need to come down. I see gifts that need to get put away. And I become overloaded and I shut down. Instead of tackling anything on my list, I sleep. Or I sit and binge watch Gilmore Girls with Sunshine. It has been proven that clutter makes anxiety worse.
I make lists for the kids. I make lists for Husband and myself. I spend 14 hours doing laundry, dishes, unpacking, checking items off one by one. I also have to spend time asking everyone about their lists. What have they done? Have they finished this yet? Some would say to let it be. If they don’t finish their lists, it’s not my problem. Yet it is. There are things I can not accomplish if they don’t do their tasks. When Sunshine does not put her pile of crap away that I gathered and neatly placed in one spot, then, it gets pushed aside, mixed into my paperwork, multiples, and then I literally get so much stuff pushed over on my plate, literally and metaphorically since I place her stuff on the kitchen table, that I again get angry and shut down.
People have asked me what happens if I just leave it. Surely my family will be as bothered with the mess as I am. No. They are not. My son could live out of the suitcase that we brought home from vacation and then, when those clothes run out, the suitcase would sit in the middle of his floor indefinitely. It would take my daughter about a month or so to become annoyed with it and “clean” it up. Meaning she would take everything out of the suitcase and stick the suitcase in the middle of the hallway, never to touch it again. How do I know this? I’ve tried. Not with suitcases, but with other things. It does not bother my family to live in chaos.
I can not control other people’s actions. So I do it all on my own. I run the store a million times because they are out of what I need. I do endless laundry since the dryer will not dry my clothes any faster. I constantly have dishes to wash and sitting on the drying rack since I can not make the dishwasher clean any quicker. And I shut down. “What do you need me to do?” I don’t even know. “Where does this go?” Just leave it and I’ll do it myself. “You didn’t finish your list?” That’s one more thing added to mine. The trouble with just accepting all of these things is that it accepts more work and more chaos for me, and me alone. “We’re going to help Mommy” doesn’t always help. It creates more work for me. I have to sit down and think of tasks for them instead of them taking initiative and doing what needs to be done. I can’t tell you the number of times I have said this. Are there dishes on the counter? Do them. Is the dishwasher clean? Empty it. Is there recycling to take out? Take it out. Is the trash full? Empty it. Is your hamper overflowing? Take it to the basement. No matter how many times I say these simple things they can do, no one cares enough to remember to do these.
Before vacation I talked with a friend about my level of stress. One of the things she said was that people’s behavior around me will change. My biggest issue is that I break before their behavior changes. The sheer chaos of it all is something I just can’t handle.
When you see me this week or next and I look like a crazy person, please don’t mention it. I’m at my breaking point until the chaos settles. But, decorations will be taken down. Meals will be prepared. Laundry will get washed, folded and put away. Dishes will get done. I will go to the grocery store a million times. Heck, I will even help my kids clean all their stuff because it needs to get done so my brain can settle. And it will settle. It always does, at least until the next holiday or vacation.