I’m a list maker. I like things neat and orderly. I seem live with people who thrive in chaos, but that’s another story. Each day, I wake up and I make my list. Over the years, my list making has gotten more detailed, but also more realistic. I’m not going to add “mow lawn” just because it needs to be done if I don’t have the time to do it. I used to that, but then things didn’t get done, I would get down on myself, even though I knew my lists were not realistic. The thing about lists is that there are so many things that don’t get put on the list. I don’t write “do dishes”. I do dishes every day, all day. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner dishes. If I bake, there are obviously dishes that go with that. Cooking requires dishes and my family likes to eat three meals a day. “Make dinner” or breakfast or lunch, does not go on the list. Yet those things take time and prep work. “Take kids to school”, “pick kids up”, “take [Sunshine] to dance”, “take [Monster] to karate”, these don’t go on the list, but, again, take up my time. These are things that I just have to do, every day.
Then there is the list. Laundry is also something that just has to be done, but I no longer write “laundry”. That word is just overwhelming and there is no way I can get it all done in one day. “Wash towels” is more specific and manageable. So many specific little things like this get put on the list. “Vacuum bathroom”. “Mop kitchen”. “Pay electric bill”. My list is always a mile long of things like this. Then this became overwhelming. Everything on the list is manageable, but there left no time for the things I wanted to do.
I decided that if it was going to get done, I needed it to put on my list. I began putting things like “yoga” on the list. Hell, I even started to put “shower” on my list to make sure I got one in. This worked for a while. List was still realistic and manageable. Then, it shifted again. I now look at my “wants” like they are “have to’s” and I get overwhelmed and frustrated. I’ve started to dread things that used to bring me joy. “Take dog for walk” seems like a task that needs a check instead of something enjoyable.
I’m not sure where I can find balance anymore. I stare at the things on my list with dread again. When I don’t get the list completed, I feel like a failure. My life is so full of “have to’s” that I can no longer tell what’s a “want to”.
I’m trying to take a step back. Breathe. I’m trying to determine what it is I really want to have time to do. I’m trying to remember that it’s OK if I don’t complete my list. I have a long way to go. I know I will be overwhelmed with all of the “have to’s” for a time, still, but I am working on it. Baby steps.