When I sat down to write today, I was going to write my “resignation” from this blog. Something came up yesterday that made me want to quit. But, as I was thinking of what to write, my friends, R and K, popped into my mind. They encourage me to continue writing. They support me on this journey. With them in mind, I decided to change this from a resignation to a PSA to speak your truth, even when people don’t want to hear it. Sometimes, speaking your truth is uncomfortable to people because they feel bad for their own actions. There will be people who feel like you are speaking about them because “you’re so vain, you probably think this song is about you”. People have their own guilt to bear. It is not up to me, or you, to shield them from that by censoring your thoughts and feelings. Speak your fucking truth.
0 Comments
There are lessons to be learned all around us. There are signs, screaming at us to pay attention. Sometimes, it’s through others’ stupidity that we are reminded to stop and look at our signs and figure out our lessons. When you wonder how a person can be so blind to the huge signs around them that are answering their own questions, it gives you pause to look at your signs. Now, I admit, sometimes I need multiple signs, but usually I catch on. Albert Einstein said, “The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.” We are all insane in some aspects, but, there comes a point where this is also stupidity, and I am not a stupid person. If there is one thing that Facebook has given to us, it’s the ability to see others’ stupidity and insanity. When I see this, I stop and take a giant look at all the signs around me. What am I missing? Sometimes, there is nothing. Usually, though, the sign is that my gut instincts were right and I’m on the right path. From others’ insanity comes lessons of what life should not be like. Those posts are signs. They smack me in the face and I try to learn a lesson.
I have been extremely overwhelmed lately. Not just the holiday season, so much longer than that. Maybe I’ve always been this overwhelmed, but it’s finally taking its toll. That seems more likely.
I’m a list maker. I like things neat and orderly. I seem live with people who thrive in chaos, but that’s another story. Each day, I wake up and I make my list. Over the years, my list making has gotten more detailed, but also more realistic. I’m not going to add “mow lawn” just because it needs to be done if I don’t have the time to do it. I used to that, but then things didn’t get done, I would get down on myself, even though I knew my lists were not realistic. The thing about lists is that there are so many things that don’t get put on the list. I don’t write “do dishes”. I do dishes every day, all day. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner dishes. If I bake, there are obviously dishes that go with that. Cooking requires dishes and my family likes to eat three meals a day. “Make dinner” or breakfast or lunch, does not go on the list. Yet those things take time and prep work. “Take kids to school”, “pick kids up”, “take [Sunshine] to dance”, “take [Monster] to karate”, these don’t go on the list, but, again, take up my time. These are things that I just have to do, every day. Then there is the list. Laundry is also something that just has to be done, but I no longer write “laundry”. That word is just overwhelming and there is no way I can get it all done in one day. “Wash towels” is more specific and manageable. So many specific little things like this get put on the list. “Vacuum bathroom”. “Mop kitchen”. “Pay electric bill”. My list is always a mile long of things like this. Then this became overwhelming. Everything on the list is manageable, but there left no time for the things I wanted to do. I decided that if it was going to get done, I needed it to put on my list. I began putting things like “yoga” on the list. Hell, I even started to put “shower” on my list to make sure I got one in. This worked for a while. List was still realistic and manageable. Then, it shifted again. I now look at my “wants” like they are “have to’s” and I get overwhelmed and frustrated. I’ve started to dread things that used to bring me joy. “Take dog for walk” seems like a task that needs a check instead of something enjoyable. I’m not sure where I can find balance anymore. I stare at the things on my list with dread again. When I don’t get the list completed, I feel like a failure. My life is so full of “have to’s” that I can no longer tell what’s a “want to”. I’m trying to take a step back. Breathe. I’m trying to determine what it is I really want to have time to do. I’m trying to remember that it’s OK if I don’t complete my list. I have a long way to go. I know I will be overwhelmed with all of the “have to’s” for a time, still, but I am working on it. Baby steps. Clutter puts my anxiety into overdrive. Coming off of Christmas and getting home from vacation at the same time puts me on high alert. There is just so much stuff everywhere. The toughest part for me comes from the things I can not control. I can not make the dryer dry any faster. I can not make the dishwasher run more quickly. I can not make stores open earlier (because we all know I’m up at 5 and ready to go!). I can not make the grocery store have all my needed items so that I don’t have to go out later in the week to get what I need for dinners. I can not make my kids put their crap away any more efficiently unless I want to do it myself (and let’s be honest, I totally do want to do this myself because it would be faster and way better organized, but it’s not teaching them a life lesson). I can not make the line at the post office any smaller. And the hardest one, I can not control other people’s actions.
When there is so much to do, and I’m the only one who seems to be bothered by it, my anxiety comes out in the form of anger. It also comes out in the form of depression. I get angry at everyone around me for the lack of help. Then, I get angry and depressed when they ask me what they need to do. This is because I’m overwhelmed. There is so much to do that me having to tell people what to do is just one more task on my list. When I do this, I then get, “Where does this go?”, “This doesn’t fit here”, “What should I do with this?”, and I shut down. I get depressed and can barely get out of bed. Know what happens then? Nothing. I wake up and there is still the list of everything that needs to be done. People wonder why I’m so stressed out after we go on vacation. This is why. The sheer chaos of it all. The amount of work that it left for me to deal with. It bothers me having to do all the work, but I do it. What bothers me more is the chaos that no one else seems to see. I literally shut down when there is too much to do. I can make list after list, but it wouldn’t matter. I see dishes next to the sink. I see laundry that is overflowing. I see decorations that need to come down. I see gifts that need to get put away. And I become overloaded and I shut down. Instead of tackling anything on my list, I sleep. Or I sit and binge watch Gilmore Girls with Sunshine. It has been proven that clutter makes anxiety worse. I make lists for the kids. I make lists for Husband and myself. I spend 14 hours doing laundry, dishes, unpacking, checking items off one by one. I also have to spend time asking everyone about their lists. What have they done? Have they finished this yet? Some would say to let it be. If they don’t finish their lists, it’s not my problem. Yet it is. There are things I can not accomplish if they don’t do their tasks. When Sunshine does not put her pile of crap away that I gathered and neatly placed in one spot, then, it gets pushed aside, mixed into my paperwork, multiples, and then I literally get so much stuff pushed over on my plate, literally and metaphorically since I place her stuff on the kitchen table, that I again get angry and shut down. People have asked me what happens if I just leave it. Surely my family will be as bothered with the mess as I am. No. They are not. My son could live out of the suitcase that we brought home from vacation and then, when those clothes run out, the suitcase would sit in the middle of his floor indefinitely. It would take my daughter about a month or so to become annoyed with it and “clean” it up. Meaning she would take everything out of the suitcase and stick the suitcase in the middle of the hallway, never to touch it again. How do I know this? I’ve tried. Not with suitcases, but with other things. It does not bother my family to live in chaos. I can not control other people’s actions. So I do it all on my own. I run the store a million times because they are out of what I need. I do endless laundry since the dryer will not dry my clothes any faster. I constantly have dishes to wash and sitting on the drying rack since I can not make the dishwasher clean any quicker. And I shut down. “What do you need me to do?” I don’t even know. “Where does this go?” Just leave it and I’ll do it myself. “You didn’t finish your list?” That’s one more thing added to mine. The trouble with just accepting all of these things is that it accepts more work and more chaos for me, and me alone. “We’re going to help Mommy” doesn’t always help. It creates more work for me. I have to sit down and think of tasks for them instead of them taking initiative and doing what needs to be done. I can’t tell you the number of times I have said this. Are there dishes on the counter? Do them. Is the dishwasher clean? Empty it. Is there recycling to take out? Take it out. Is the trash full? Empty it. Is your hamper overflowing? Take it to the basement. No matter how many times I say these simple things they can do, no one cares enough to remember to do these. Before vacation I talked with a friend about my level of stress. One of the things she said was that people’s behavior around me will change. My biggest issue is that I break before their behavior changes. The sheer chaos of it all is something I just can’t handle. When you see me this week or next and I look like a crazy person, please don’t mention it. I’m at my breaking point until the chaos settles. But, decorations will be taken down. Meals will be prepared. Laundry will get washed, folded and put away. Dishes will get done. I will go to the grocery store a million times. Heck, I will even help my kids clean all their stuff because it needs to get done so my brain can settle. And it will settle. It always does, at least until the next holiday or vacation. This time of year is tough for a lot of people, for so many reasons. For me, it’s the worst time of year. I’m barely surviving on autopilot. To look at me, you’d never guess. I seem very organized and on top of things. The truth is, I’ve been having panic attacks everyday for over a week. I’ve been barely able to function other than routine tasks.
I’d like to sugarcoat things, but, honestly, it’s family that does this to me. Nothing is ever enough and my needs mean nothing. It’s like this all year, but the holidays are the worst. There are expectations that can never be met. We don’t live in a Hallmark movie, yet, it’s what family members seem to believe. Like for the holidays, everyone magically loves each other and gets along. Like things are picture perfect and we have millions of dollars to spend on the perfect place settings, decor, and gifts. We are expected to be people we aren’t. Like the past 40 some years didn’t happen. Maybe our family just doesn’t care to know us. They only know who they want us to be, which then perpetuates the cycle of not living up to expectations. Years ago, even before my kids were born, we wanted to be the family that gets together with family on a regular basis and does fun family stuff. Unfortunately, we were never good enough. Maybe it’s different interests, but I’m fairly certain it’s just no one cared enough because we aren’t who they want us to be. When my kids were born, I had this idea in my head that it would instantly bond everyone. People would come together for the kids. I could not have been more wrong. If anything, it was the opposite. Try explaining to your kids why everyone else has family at things and they don’t. It’s a fun time. For years, we made excuses, but now, we don’t. I wrote about how I’m a lot. Husband is a lot, too. I guess we’re just too much and not enough of the “right” thing. The hardest part is people are doing the same thing to our kids. There are only parts of them they care to see. The parts that aren’t perfect, aren’t accepted, and the kids see that. To add upon the stress of never being enough, I also have the stress of not being able to afford enough. I’m so glad I live in an area where buying your kid a $800 phone is not an issue. Oh, your kid bought it themselves? Must be nice that they somehow got the money from people to save up and buy it. Monster works and has been saving his money for years and he would only just now be able to afford a fancy phone if he wanted one. Sunshine isn’t even close. Maybe people need to teach their kids that not everyone can afford every little thing they want and to be kind to those who don’t have as much as they do instead of making them feel bad for not all being lemmings. I work so hard to try to instill in my kids that life isn’t about things, but it’s hard to do when things are constantly being shoved in their faces with their peers telling them they are less of a person because they don’t have the same things. It’s the world we live in. No one is happy with what they have and everyone tells you that you need more to be happy. It takes a long time to understand that things won’t make you happy. I don’t expect my kids to understand this yet, but it doesn’t make all of it hurt any less, all the way around. People are not kind. People are selfish. People have lost empathy. And it gets to me. I shouldn’t let it. Other people’s expectations are not my problem. But they do overwhelm me. Some days, to the point where I can’t get off the couch until it’s time to pick kids up from school. Some days, to the point where I go to bed at 8:00 to try to forget the day happened. Some days, to the point where I break down into tears for no reason. It will only get worse before it gets better for me. But, I’m fine. I’ll be fine. There is nothing people can do. I just need to get through it. And I will. I really don’t care what other people think or their expectations. I’m just tired and need time. Time doesn’t seem to be my friend lately, but it will all work itself out. Be kind to people. This might be “the most wonderful time of the year”, but it’s also so overwhelming. Everyone is fighting their own battles right now and your expectations of them may be weighing them down. I am a lot for some people to “handle”. I have strong opinions. I know who I am. I have goals. I have a realistic outlook on life. For a good deal of people, that is too much to deal with. People tend to like those they can control or walk all over. They like people who never quite achieve what they are reaching for. Those people tend to tell me that I have a “big personality”.
My friends, they know I’m “a lot”. They know I’m a lot of baked goods that come their way, especially if they are having a rough time. They know I’m a lot of sarcasm, especially when they need a pick me up. My friends know I’m a lot of corgi butts, especially when they need to smile. They also know I’m a lot of devil’s advocate when they need to see the whole picture. They know I’m a lot of finding the positive side when they can’t find it. They know I’m a lot of logical when they are spinning out of control. They know I’m a lot of these things because they stuck around. When you’re “a lot” for people and they walk away, they miss everything you’re “a lot” of. Let me be honest, I completely take it personally when people don’t like me. It’s stupid because I am literally a take me or leave me person. I’m good with who I am. I think who I am is pretty good. I am absolutely flawed, but we all are. One of my flaws is wanting people to like me. A friend posted this today, “Stop trying to be liked by everybody. You don’t even like everybody.” She didn’t post it about me, but it hit home. Even though I don’t like most people, I’m kind to everyone. I’m also a lot of kindness. That kindness makes it hurt a lot when I feel rejected. I just need to remember, I am who I am. The important thing is that I like me. I’m good with being a lot. It just means I have a lot to give. It’s others’ loss if they don’t stick around for it.
I went to very small Catholic schools growing up. By small, I mean my 8th grade graduating class had 14 kids and my high school graduating class had 87 kids. I understand that’s not the norm. The thing about small schools was that there was no stress (for this particular topic). Every year, you knew who was going to be in your class. Every year you knew who your teacher was going to be. Every year, you knew who you were going to eat with at lunch. High school was a little different only in that I knew no one where I went to high school. But, with it being so small, I made friends quickly. In high school, who is in your classes is less important than who is in your lunch period. At my high school, all freshmen ate together, so that was easy. Each year after that, I always had friends in my lunch block. I never really worried about it because I was sure I’d know someone.
With zero public school experience, I wasn’t naive enough to think it was exactly the same, but I thought it was probably close. Husband confirmed that. It wasn’t until high school that the different grades got mixed lunches there was a chance you weren’t with your friends. Now, once you get out of elementary school, it’s the luck of the draw. As a person who was in education, I don’t understand this. As a mother, I don’t understand this. Middle school years are the toughest years for many reasons. There are so many changes taking place in kids’ bodies and brains. There are more social pressures and educational pressures added to those changes. Then, the school throws them to the wolves. Studies show that lunch is actually very stressful for students. “Who am I going to sit with?” For some, this list is long and it’s honestly tough to choose who to sit with. For others, the list is smaller, or even nonexistent. My daughter and one of her best friends were so excited because they were on the same team this year (our school divides kids into teams, but it’s pretty much irrelevant to those in honors classes). They don’t have a single class together, including lunch. They were devastated. My daughter is in a better situation than her friend, though. My daughter knows a lot of people in her lunch block, including one of her other best friends. Her friend has no one she really knows well. Up until 4 years ago, students had lunch with their grade levels. They changed this up so scheduling wouldn’t be so difficult. In middle school, there is a limited amount of “electives”. In fact, until this year, the “electives” were choir, orchestra, band, or general music. You had to pick one. This is the first year they have a “choice”... psychology or no psychology. So, I don’t buy the scheduling thing, especially now with teams. The truth is, mental health does not matter in this country. The stress of lunch is a mental health issue. I know a child who is a year ahead of my son in school. Lunch was so stressful for him that he got a pass from his guidance counselor to go to the library instead of lunch. While I think it’s great that he had the option to do this, we took away this student’s time to eat because he was too worried to sit in a cafeteria with no friends. Administration states that there will always be kids they know in their lunch blocks. Kids they know aren’t always their friends. Sometimes, it’s the “kids they know” that are the problem. Yes, they need to learn to branch out. Yes, they will not always be with their best friends, yet, this is a problem that can be avoided for as long as possible. The counselor’s at Sunshine’s school are trying to do something about this by sending out emails to National Junior Honor Society members to have them look out for kids sitting alone and either ask them to join them at lunch or tell her and she will find a table for them. Still, that’s a lot of pressure to put on middle school kids. Our society puts way too much pressure on kids and refuses to address their mental health. I don’t know the right answer. I don’t know how to fix the problem. I do know that something has to change, for the sake of our children and our future. Coming off a pandemic summer was more difficult that I anticipated. I feel like this summer has been lost. It hasn’t been, but it’s taken until we’re getting ready for school for it to feel like real summer.
While everyone else bitched and whined about all the things they didn’t have their God given right to do last summer, we had an amazing time. That’s because we had time and we actually like each other. Don’t get me wrong, we missed our “normal” stuff, but we truly enjoyed the time we had to do nothing. And by “nothing” I mean, only one (or was it two) dance class, karate (but not as much), tennis, and summer classes to get a jump start on HS (the boy went into HS with Health and Gym completed, not to mention his honors work). Plus, the weather was great. Hot, like one of the hottest summers I can remember, but it was OK because we had all the time in the world to go swimming. We’d hike in the mornings and swim in the evenings. This summer, we went from zero to 100 in under 60 seconds. My previous post was about how I can’t understand people whose kids aren’t involved in anything over the summer, and I stand by that, but I don’t think I was ready for everything to happen all at once. And I definitely didn’t expect this weather. In the amazing book, Polar Bear, Why is Your World Melting, it breaks down climate change so even toddlers can understand it, yet, we still have people who think it’s fake because it still gets cold in the winter. I won’t spend this post blasting you with scientific data about climate change. Instead, I’ll break down one little piece that as it’s explained in the book. Places that were once dry are becoming wet. I picked this particular fact because this is how my summer looked. It was a frickin monsoon of a summer. When you have a kid who plays softball, rain is not your friend. We were coming off a year of not playing due to the pandemic. Everyone just wanted to get back out and back on the fields. Added bonus, I coached this summer. When Sunshine was in t-ball, I swore I would never coach her again. Then, I coached soccer, which I love doing, so I thought, why not give softball another go. After this year, I will never coach softball again. Literally half of our regular season games were rained out. Half. In a season where there are only 13 games, that makes for very little softball to be played. We played 1 game all season with a full team. One. They tacked on an extra week, which was two whole games, to make up for the games we didn’t get to play. We had to forfeit one of those two because we didn’t have enough players. Aside from softball, the rain affected everything we did. Strawberry picking, raspberry picking, and blueberry picking were rushed because we had to get it in between storms. Hiking had to be put on hold due to mud and rain. The zoo had to be pushed back until it wasn’t too hot or wasn’t raining. The pool didn’t get as much use as it has in the past. Yet, with all of that, we still packed in the fun. We got a few hikes in. We toured new places. I swam more this year than any other year. We went kayaking. We went fishing. We eventually did get in the things that we love, such as berry picking and the zoo. We got to hang out with friends. We got to go visit Grandpa and Grammy. I’m sad that the rain made it feel like I lost time with my babies, but I’m thankful for the time I do get to share with them. School is just around the corner and the years are coming to a close where they are going to want to hang out with their mom during the summer. I’ll take what I can get now. I don’t understand families whose kids aren’t involved in activities. I’ve said that before, but it still boggles my mind. All summer, I’ve been seeing pictures of people who are taking month long vacations, or even several short vacations and I just think, how do they have time? First, what kind of jobs do people have that they can take off that much time because, obviously, we forgot to sign up for that when choosing careers. Second, don’t their kids have things going on? Don’t get me wrong, we pull our kids out of stuff here and there to go to the lake, but, mostly if we miss something, it’s a scheduling conflict with other activities.
So far this summer, Sunshine has taken 3 dance classes, played softball, and takes tennis lessons. Monster not only takes karate, but he teaches it. That means he has a job that he needs to be responsible for. Are there teens out there who don’t work? I had a summer job from the time I was 13 on. So did Husband. My son has called off a couple of days, but we try to make sure he’s there for the days he has the most students so they won’t have to try to find someone to cover for him. Besides that, Husband can’t take off tons of days. Heck, he had to work on an emergency trip we took to see his dad. I drove the 8 hours and he worked in the passenger seat. Then let’s add in summer school work. Husband had to work on the trip to see his dad and so did Monster. He had to work on school work. I guess if your kid isn’t in Honors classes, there’s really no work to do, but Honors and AP classes had a lot. And, I won’t admit this to him, he actually got his stuff done super early compared to other kids in those classes waiting until the very last minute. And what about chores? My kid mows the lawn. Not because he’s just super helpful like that, but because it’s his job. It’s crazy, but just because it’s summer doesn’t mean all the work that I normally do during the school year stops. In fact, it compiles with more people home and us being on the go more. I’ll tell you, I look around my neighborhood, and all those families with teenagers or young adults living at home, my teenager is the only one mowing the lawn. They have other chores, as well, not just lawn mowing. I’m not saying that we don’t get to enjoy our summer, because we definitely are. We just enjoy it close to home. We take trips in which we can be back in time for dinner to get everyone they need to be in the evening. And we have to enjoy it without Husband. He’s never been to the zoo, even though we go every year. I guess he didn’t figure out what job he could sign up for that allowed all sorts of vacation time. We swim whenever we can because we have a pool in our backyard. Our days are packed as well as our nights. Until my kids move out, I’m resigned to the fact that our summers will be wild and crazy. After the kids move out, it’s going to be way too quiet since Husband will still have to work a job where he can’t just take off willy-nilly (seriously, how do we sign up for those jobs that would allow us to travel whenever we want? Sign us up, please!). I love that my kids are so active and learning to become strong members of society. As of written before, I do wish we had more time like last summer, but even then, it's not like we sat around doing nothing. Life still goes on, and ours happens to be a busy life. I embrace summer and all its craziness. I'm so very sad to see it coming to an end. I love being with my kids, even if that's chauffeuring them around! |
Categories
All
Archives
March 2023
|